As the mom of a highly sensitive child, I know all about school separation anxiety. My son has always been a sensitive kid. He doesn’t like crowded places with lots of noise. He also has a hard time with transitions.
When he started preschool, I was dreading drop-off. I knew he would have a hard time saying goodbye to me. Sure enough, he started crying on the first day of school when I got out of the car. He clung to me and begged me not to leave.
I knew I had to be strong for him, so I hugged and kissed him and told him I would be back to pick him up at the end of the day. Then, I turned and walked away. As I walked away, I could hear him crying behind me. My heart broke. I felt so guilty for leaving him.
My son’s drop-off anxiety continued for the first few weeks of school. It was incredibly draining that drop-off anxiety didn’t seem to have an end in sight.
I researched about the highly sensitive traits, and I found some simple but effective strategies that helped my son cope with separation anxiety.
The key is to know what these strategies are about and to test which ones work for you and your child ahead of time (before big drop-off meltdowns).
Before we begin, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.
Why does a highly sensitive child struggle with school separation anxiety so much?
Highly sensitive children are often more sensitive to their environment and easily overwhelmed than their peers. This can make drop-off anxiety particularly challenging for them.
Here are some of the specific challenges that sensitive, deep-feeling children face with drop-off anxiety:
- Sensory overload. Deep-feeling kids are more sensitive to sensory input, such as noise and crowds. This can make the school environment overstimulating for them. Because the child expects school to be overwhelming (due to sensory stimulation, but also due to lots of rules, almost no child-led play for several hours a day, and academic pressure), it may be more challenging for them to separate from us at drop-off.
- Poor frustration tolerance. Highly sensitive children often a low frustration threshold. Minor events, like a friend ignoring them, a colorful classroom, someone pushing them by mistake, can cause intense emotions. These emotions add up and can make the home-school transition difficult to handle.
- Fear of the unknown. A deeply feeling child has a more sensitive nervous system, often making them see novelty as a threat. That can keep them on edge for the entire school day.
- Perfectionism. Sensitive children often set high standards for themselves and can be critical of their own performance. This can lead to anxiety about not meeting their expectations at school. It can also lead to difficulty making friends and playing with peers (“I don’t want to play soccer with those kids; they are much better than me.”)
15 Effective Strategies for Easing Your Highly Sensitive Child ‘s School Separation Anxiety
Here are some effective strategies for helping highly sensitive children cope with separation anxiety at school:
1. Manage your emotions and set realistic expectations
It is perfectly normal for parents to feel guilty about leaving their child crying at drop-off. After all, we want our children to be happy and feel safe. However, it is essential to remember that separation anxiety is a common experience for many children, especially highly sensitive children. It is not a sign that you are a bad parent.
Remember that your child is going through a normal transition. Starting school is a significant change for children, and some anxiety is to be expected. These big feelings may show up as crying at drop-off and after-school meltdowns.
After a long day of holding it together, our children need a safe space to release all their pent-up emotions. This may come out as tears, outbursts, or fighting with siblings. Do your best to create an environment where your child feels free to be themselves, even if their behavior differs from what you expected.
2. Discuss your child’s worries and brainstorm for solutions
Sensitive kids process deeply, so expect a lot of “What if” questions. It helps to show that you are on their side and to come up with solutions as a team. In addition, it’s best to avoid projecting your worries on your child.
Here are potential questions that you can expect from a highly sensitive child and some scripts to try:
- “What if you don’t have time to pick me up?” “The teacher will call me.”
- “What if you have an accident?” “Your dad will come and collect you.”
- “What if I don’t know where the toilet is?” “Ms. Anna, your teacher, will help you.”
- “What if I get lost on the school premises?” “Ask for help from the first grownup that you see.”
- “But I’ll miss you so much”! “It’s okay to miss me. I’ll miss you, too”.
3. Be honest with your child
Talking about the fun and challenging parts of being at school with your child is essential.
You can tell your child that most children experience separation anxiety at drop-off. The good news is that it is temporary. Soon enough, they will get used to their teacher, make friends, and enjoy the activities.
Let your child know that adults feel the same way, too. Tell them of a time you felt nervous about starting something new, like a new job, or doing something difficult, like a complex work project. You most likely asked yourself questions like, “Will I like it there? What will my colleagues be like? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m not a fast learner?”
4. Talk about past challenges your highly sensitive child has overcome
You could remind your highly sensitive child of other times when they were without you, such as Sunday school or weekends at Grandma’s house. Did they have fun without you? Who did they play with? Talking about these positive experiences can help to reassure your child that they can enjoy themselves and feel safe even when you’re not around.
You might also talk about the things that scared your little one when they were younger, such as monsters under the bed or the dark. Remind them of how they overcame those fears. For example, you could say, “Remember when you were scared of the dark? We talked about it together and made a special nightlight for you. Now, you sleep all night long without being scared.”
Drawing a picture of what caused them to fear can also help them process their emotions and see that they have overcome their fears in the past. Once they finish the drawing, you can hang it on the fridge so your child can look at it and remember that they are strong and capable.
Another great idea is to have a “wall of fame” in your house, where you can post all the challenges that your child has been able to overcome.
5. Create a predictable routine and a slow after-school schedule
Predictability is soothing for children with a more sensitive nervous system. Their nervous system sees the unknown as a threat, so creating a consistent routine allows our children to relax. This can be as simple as always having a snack on the ride home or watching TV for half an hour after school.
Be sure to have a slow afternoon schedule and include one-on-one time. Our children need more special time with us to feel safe and loved. You can try making this a part of your daily routine by doing a puzzle, going for ice cream, reading a book, or preparing a healthy snack together. Let your child pick what they want you to do together. Remember that this activity has to fill their cup after a whole day of respecting rigid rules, listening, and practicing social skills.
After-school downtime can give your child time to process their feelings about school and lower the risk of after-school meltdowns.
6. Read stories about drop-off anxiety
Picture books about school are an excellent way to broach the subject of drop-off anxiety with your child, especially if they are unwilling to talk or do not know how to name their intense emotions.
Picture books can provide a safe and non-threatening way for children to explore their feelings about school and drop-off. They can also help children learn about the experiences of other children who may feel the same way.
7. Play pretend with your highly sensitive child
Pretend play is an excellent way for children to express their emotions and explore their fears. It can give you insight into how your child feels, and from there, you can develop coping strategies together. Use play to act out how your child might feel at school, discuss strategies that might help them, and role-play solutions to those situations you know might be tricky for them.
8. Teach your highly sensitive child anxiety coping skills
There are several coping skills that can help sensitively wired children manage their anxiety. Some helpful coping skills include:
- deep breathing
- EFT tapping
- positive self-talk
- having a quiet or a sensory corner.
Here are 6 fun and easy deep breathing techniques that you can try with your child:
9. Teach your highly sensitive child how to cope with sensory overload
Schools have a vivid sensory environment that can overwhelm quiet, sensitive children. The noise, bright lights, crowds in the classroom, the taste of food at lunch, and the seams on socks and underwear can all contribute to sensory overload.
Teach your child to recognize their triggers and prepare as much as possible for school. This could include wearing headphones, finding a comfortable clothes brand, and packing a favorite snack. Getting enough sleep and arriving early can also help prevent meltdowns at drop-off.
10. Arrive early
Don’t rush at drop-off. Give your child plenty of time to get out of the car, walk into the school, and say goodbye to you. You may also want to arrive early so your child can explore their surroundings and meet their teacher before the other students arrive.
11. Stay connected while apart
Going to school can be challenging for children because it means being away from us for almost a whole day. Fortunately, that safe feeling children have at home with their parents can be taken to school. How? With comfort items.
Here are some ideas for comfort items that you can give your child to help them cope with school separation anxiety:
- A drawing of a bit of heart or star on your child’s hand and yours. A simple drawing is a meaningful way to remind your child that you are always connected.
- A unique bracelet or other piece of jewelry. You could engrave the bracelet with your child’s name or a special message. Or, you could choose a bracelet in your child’s favorite color or a design they love.
- A toy car, book, teddy bear, or family picture. These items can help to remind your child of your love and support.
- A nice little rock that you have painted together. Think of a unique and personal gift that your child will cherish.
- Anything else that your child loves and feels safe with. It can be something like a stuffed animal, a blanket, a favorite hat, or even a piece of candy.
12. Organize small playdates with classmates
Highly sensitive children are often slow to warm up to new people and places. Their hypervigilance can make it difficult for them to make friends and adjust to school, and their separation anxiety may last longer as a result. One way to help them is to organize small playdates with one or two kids from school in a familiar setting, such as your home.
Avoid inviting children who are already in an established friend group, as this could make your child feel like an outsider.
13. Plan a visit before the start of the school year
Visiting the school before the year starts is crucial for highly sensitive children. They are more likely to be overwhelmed by new experiences, so getting used to the school before classes start can help them feel more confident on the first day of school.
You can even drive by the school, let them play in the area, and get familiar with the surroundings so that it feels less scary.
In addition, meeting the teacher can be incredibly helpful. When we, the parents, can interact with our child’s teacher in front of them, they learn that “If Mommy or Daddy feels safe with them, I will be too.” If this isn’t possible, we can kindly ask the teacher to send us a photo and a story about themselves.
14. Talk to the teacher about your child’s school separation worries
Let your child’s teacher know that your child is more sensitively wired and that they experience intense separation anxiety. The teacher can help create a supportive school environment for your child. They can also help your child develop coping skills for anxiety and sensory overstimulation.
15. Make a list of school calm-down activities
You may need to prepare a list of strategies if separation anxiety spirals after drop-off. Consider discussing your list with the school staff.
Here are some options that may help:
- Before joining in, spend time in the school’s sensory room or a safe space.
- Drink water.
- Breathe quietly for a few minutes.
- Think of a happy place, such as their bedroom or the beach.
- Play on the playground.
- Encourage quiet and independent play before interacting with peers.
- Have one-on-one time with a school staff member.
- Sit next to the teacher during morning activities.
- Help the teacher with the morning activities or snack time materials.
What to Say To Your Highly Sensitive Child During a School Drop-Off Meltdown
When a highly sensitive child is having a school drop-off meltdown, their brain is in a state of hyperarousal. In those moments, the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fear and emotion, is very active. Their amygdala sends signals to the rest of their brain, telling them they are in danger.
The child’s prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and impulse control, is not yet fully developed. This can make it difficult for your child to control their emotions and behavior.
As a result of the hyperarousal, the child may experience a range of symptoms, such as:
- Crying
- Screaming
- Clinging to their parent
- Refusing to go to school.
When talking to your child during a school drop-off meltdown, avoiding joining them in their big emotions is essential. Try to validate their feelings and tell them you understand how they feel.
Here are some things you can say to a highly sensitive child during a school drop-off meltdown:
- “I know being away from each other all day is tough. I want you to know that I’m always thinking of you, even though I’m not right there.”
- “I know you don’t want to leave me, and that’s okay. I’ll always be here to pick you up, and we can do something fun afterward. Is there something special you’d like to do today after school?”
Offering your child options can also help them feel more in control. For example, you could ask:
- “Do you want to say goodbye outside the cloakroom or on the sidewalk?”
- “Would you like to carry your teddy bear in your backpack or leave it in the car?”
Be sure to give them a choice between two or three options. In addition, make sure the options are realistic and achievable. Last but not least, try to respect their choice, even if it is not what you would prefer.
Take-Home Message
Even if it’s tough, remember you’re not alone. Separation anxiety is common, and even the most well-adjusted kids struggle with it sometimes.
It’s a delicate balance between giving our kids the freedom to grow at their own pace and pushing them to face challenges (like starting school) and becoming the best versions of themselves. It can be hard to know when to push them towards independence and when to give them space, but at the end of the day, it’s a decision between you and your child. You’ve got this!
