Is your deeply feeling child slow to warm up? Do they avoid new situations? Do they hesitate to speak up for themselves? Does your child struggle with negative self-talk? Do they say sorry a lot and are afraid of making mistakes?
I was one of those kids.
I would worry about what others would think of me if I made a mistake. Mistakes would make me feel hugely embarrassed. The feeling was so intense that I’d do anything to avoid being exposed again.
My go-to strategy was to avoid situations that made me feel uncomfortable. Were we visiting family? No problem. I would watch TV just to avoid interacting with relatives with whom I didn’t know what to talk about.
My parents ignored my behavior for the most part. Occasionally, they would praise me for joining in with the group. Unfortunately, their praise, which was conditional upon my conduct, made me learn to define my self-worth depending on others’ appreciation. Later on, at work, my self-confidence topped and bottomed like the crypto market, depending on whether I received positive feedback on my work. Even minor constructive criticism sent me on edge.
Looking back, my lack of confidence was painfully obvious.
Now, as a parent, I strongly believe that adults play a huge role in teaching kids self-confidence.
Kids who are not so deep feeling might not think that a mistake or some minor criticism defines their worth – they are more resilient in that way. But more sensitive children often have strong feelings about setbacks.
Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.
What is self-confidence really?
I believe that feeling confident is not about feeling sure you’ll succeed. We often don’t know whether we can do something new or challenging, but we give it a try anyway.
Confidence also doesn’t come from other people telling us we’re good or brave.
Confidence comes from feeling good about ourselves despite going through difficult moments. It means not defining ourselves through our accomplishments or seeking others’ appreciation in order to feel good about ourselves.
Parents’ and teachers’ attitude matters
Children are incredibly perceptive; they sense beyond words, tone, or actions. They can tell if you see them as a good kid navigating challenges or as a ‘bad’ kid doing wrong. This difference shapes how they view themselves and their role in the family and the classroom. Your attitude towards them, whether a parent or a teacher, can influence their self-confidence.
Whether we’re talking about school anxiety, anger or frustration around everyday transitions, we basically respond with invalidation when we question their big feelings. Invalidation makes them stop listening to what their body and brain are saying (“My tears make me look stupid.”), it makes them self- or get even more anxious (“My shyness pushes other kids away. I must look embarrassing.”)
These messages affect a child’s self-confidence. They also prevent kids from reflecting on their feelings and trusting their intuition.
What self-confidence isn’t
When discussing confidence, it’s helpful to explore what confidence isn’t. Confidence doesn’t mean arrogance or believing you’re superior to others, always being right, suppressing your emotions to hide your fear, or pretending you’re never anxious or afraid. Remember, confidence isn’t constant—everyone experiences times when they don’t feel confident, and that’s perfectly okay!
Why Does a Deeply Feeling Child Struggle with Self-Confidence?
Deep-feeling kids are usually more anxious and struggle with confidence. That’s because they have a heightened emotional awareness and attention to detail. Their sensitivity can make them more aware of risks and more emotionally reactive.
They think profoundly and analyze situations with attention. That can lead to self-doubt and make them hesitant in new situations.
Additionally, their intense emotional reactions can make them doubt their emotional regulation ability.
Due to their attention to detail, they compare themselves more to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Deep-feeling children might also fear rejection or criticism more than peers, causing them to hesitate when trying new things or interacting with others.
These kids are often perfectionistic for fear that others will notice their potential mistakes. They are also more sensitive to failure, seeing it as a more significant setback than their peers might.
A deeply feeling child also absorbs others’ emotions quickly, especially those of a parent of teacher to whom they are very attuned. That’s why they may feel emotionally overloaded without even knowing why. That can often make them doubt their abilities.
Sensitive children are also slow to warm up, which can lower their self-confidence, especially if other children are more outgoing.
Foster a Growth Mindset to Turn Challenges into Character-Building Opportunities
Confidence is about having a growth mindset. A growth mindset allows kids to learn from mistakes, push through challenges, and tolerate failure.
By contrast, a fixed mindset is often the root cause of a child’s fear of failure. For a child who is more sensitive and anxious than the rest, believing that this is the way they were born and there’s nothing they can do about it can make any mistake feel risky. Thus, they might avoid challenges and mistakes at all costs. But that also robs them of new learning opportunities.
Failures teach us more about our strengths and courage than any easy win could. That’s why teaching them a growth mindset is essential for them to develop emotional resilience.
Here are some scripts that you can try with your deeply feeling child:
- After a Mistake: “You’ll get better with practice. It’s just a matter of time.”
- Dealing with Challenges: “I’m impressed by how often you tried until you got it. That’s the spirit! Remember, every challenge you face helps you become stronger and smarter. What’s something you found out about yourself while working on this?”
- Facing Fears: “I saw you try something new even though it seemed a little scary. That takes a lot of courage. How do you feel now that you’ve taken that brave step?”
- Overcoming Setbacks: “It’s okay to feel disappointed when things don’t go as planned. What matters is that you don’t give up. You’re showing real resilience. What’s a small change you can make to approach this differently next time?”
- Positive Self-Talk: “I noticed you were frustrated with yourself earlier. Let’s turn that frustration into something positive. Repeat after me: ‘I’m capable, I’m learning, and I’m getting better each day.'”
- Praise Progress: “Remember when you faced a similar situation last month? You’ve come a long way since then. Your determination is paying off. How does it feel to see your progress?”
- Learning from Role Models: You know [mention a role model they admire], they also faced tough times, but they used those moments to become even stronger. What’s one quality of theirs you’d like to embrace?”
Parent scripts for when your deeply feeling child says, “I’m dumb!”
Young children often say, “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m stupid” because of their developing sense of self-awareness and exposure to new challenges. However, such phrases might just mean they are having difficulties, or something hasn’t gone according to their expectations. These statements may be a way of expressing disappointment or frustration.
But if you hear your deeply feeling child use negative self-talk often, you may want to have an open conversation about what makes them feel that way and help them see that mistakes are part of the learning process. It also helps to share when you felt discouraged or frustrated and how you overcame that challenge.
Here are some parent scripts that you can use for 5+ year-olds:
- Reassurance: “I know sometimes things can be tough, but everyone makes mistakes. You’re learning and growing. I’m here to help and support you.”
- Positive self-talk: “Remember, negative thoughts can pop up, but they’re not true. You’re capable and smart. If you’re feeling stuck, let’s work on it together.”
- Encourage: “Feeling frustrated is okay, but it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. Everyone faces challenges. We learn from them and become even stronger.”
- Highlight progress: “I’ve seen you try your best and improve so much. It’s okay to struggle sometimes. What matters is how you keep going.”
- Affirmations: “You’re important to me, and your feelings matter. Instead of being the worst, you’re my wonderful child. Let’s work through this together.”
Preschoolers might not say, “I’m stupid,” but they can be overly cautious and avoid challenges. Here are some parent scripts to encourage them to step out of their comfort zone:
- Make exploration exciting: “Hey, how about we try something new today? It might be a little different, but it can also be a lot of fun. Let’s see what we can discover together!”
- Making new friends: “Meeting new people can be exciting! Just think, you might make a new friend who likes the same things you do. Let’s go say ‘hi’ and see what happens.”
- Normalize being nervous in new situations: “You know what’s amazing? Trying something you’ve never done before. Feeling a little nervous is okay, but remember, I believe in you, and I’m here cheering you on.”
- Spark curiosity: “Imagine all the wonderful things you can learn when you try something new. Even if it’s a little different at first, you can figure it out.”
Scripts for teaching your deeply feeling child to stand up for themselves
Encouraging a deeply feeling child to stand up for themselves is vital for their emotional growth. We help them develop essential skills like emotional resilience and self-confidence by teaching them to assert their boundaries.
Here are some scripts that you can suggest to your deeply feeling child to use if they have a hard time setting boundaries or expressing needs:
- Setting Boundaries: “I don’t like it when someone takes my things without asking. I want to keep my things safe. Can you please ask me first?”
- Expressing Needs: “I really want to join the game too, but I was too shy to ask. Can I play with you guys?”
- Assertive Communication: “When someone talks to me in a mean way, it makes me feel sad. I’d like them to speak kindly to me.”
- Speaking Up for Themselves: “I know we usually do it that way, but I think we should try my idea this time. What do you think?”
- Asking for Help: “I’m having trouble with this task. Can you show me how to do it? I want to learn.”
Feel free to adjust the scripts to suit your child’s personality and the specific situations they might encounter.
In this article, we gave you some ideas and scripts on how to respond to your child’s lack of confidence. You may not remember them when you are in a stressful situation where your child has big feelings. But if it’s one thing to remember, it’s this: “Learning to tolerate our fears makes us resilient.”
