In our hectic society, how many parents feel truly good about how they parent? Perhaps your daughter bit other children at preschool —and you regret some harsh words. Maybe you’re telling yourself you gave bad advice to your six-year-old about handling a bossy classmate. You couldn’t keep your promise to take your child for ice cream—and there’s a voice in your head telling you you’re a terrible parent.
The highly sensitive parent is even more likely to get caught in this spiral of guilt and self-judgement, because they are more easily overwhelmed by their children’s explosive behaviors.
But there’s an alternative to negative self-talk: self-compassion. Self-compassion brings calm. It’s like a refuge from negative self-talk.
Self-compassion has three components:
- It requires self-kindness. We must be gentle with ourselves instead of harshly judgmental.
- It requires us to remain present instead of withdrawing. Feeling connected with others, having someone you can trust and share your worries and opinions with, is the second step toward building self-compassion. The alternative –feeling isolated – can only hurt us in the long run. Remember that humans are social beings, and adults need co-regulation, just like young children do.
- The third prerequisite is being mindful of negative thoughts and emotions. We need to be aware of our feelings and flaws in a non-judgmental way. Rather than ignoring our pain and weaknesses, exaggerating them, or blaming it on others, it helps to be neutrally aware. Otherwise, we might get stuck in a cycle of stagnation and self-conflict.
How is self-compassion related to parenting?
Lack of self-compassion can prevent you from enjoying your parenting journey, because of the pressure of being a perfect parent all the time. Additionally, your child can absorb your negative outlook and develop an “I’m not good enough” mindset (which we so often see in highly sensitive children!)
A 2018 study provided mothers in Australia with self-compassion tips and exercises, like imagining how they would help someone else, reminding themselves that they are not alone, and showing kindness through small gestures. Mothers who used the resources reported feeling better than mothers who did not—and they were less stressed by breastfeeding after the intervention.
A review of 13 research studies published between 2003 and 2020 showed that parents who practiced self-compassion were less affected by stress, depression, and anxiety.
Together, these studies suggest self-compassion may boost resilience and protect against criticism – from ourselves and others.
Why is self-compassion important for the highly sensitive parent?
Self-compassion is essential for the highly sensitive parent because they often feel guilty for their kids’ emotions even when it’s beyond their control. The highly sensitive parent is also prone to exhaustion because they get easily overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and the demands of parenting. Due to their empathetic nature, they also have difficulty setting boundaries. Deep feeling parents often question their parenting decisions, worrying if they are doing enough or if they are doing it right. The highly sensitive parent also reacts intensely to high-pressure parenting situations, which affects their ability to remain calm. That in turn, feeds their feelings of guilt and self-doubt.
That’s why self-compassion is something that the highly sensitive parent needs to learn if they want to be able to enjoy the parenting journey.
So, can we learn to be more self-compassionate? Sure. Here are three simple tips to build self-compassion.
1. The highly sensitive parent needs shorts breaks throughout the day
When they feel emotionally flooded by the demands of parenting, the highly sensitive parent may wonder how others do it. How can they have amazing full-time jobs and also take the kids to practice? How can their kids go to practice after school without having evening meltdowns? How can others go on long road trips with small children and still enjoy themselves? How do others have the energy and time to meet friends for coffee and go to the gym when parenting is a 24-hour job?
Those are the moments when it helps to take a self-compassion break.
What does that look like?
First, accept your feelings by saying, “This hurts” or “This is too much for me. I need a break.” Next, acknowledge that other parents have felt this way— 1 in 3 parents is highly sensitive! Last, offer yourself kindness by repeating positive affirmations like “I am worthy of love and kindness, just as I am,” “I give myself grace in challenging moments and celebrate my successes,” or simply “I am doing my best, and that is enough. I am a good parent.”
Of course, taking a break is not always possible. In that case, take a moment after the meltdown to say a few kind words to yourself.
You might even try EFT tapping: the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a therapy that combines acupressure with modern psychology. It may sound strange but try it. See if it helps.
2. Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM)
It’s the middle of the week. You’re trying to leave the house with your preschooler so that you can get her to school and yourself to work for a 9:00 am meeting. Your little one doesn’t know that even a five-minute delay can lead to a 30-minute difference in your commute time. She wants to put on her socks by herself. They feel itchy. Then she refuses to put her jacket on because she doesn’t like the fabric. Then she remembers that her best friend played with somebody else the day before, and she gets sad and says she wants to stay home with you.
The morning routine takes a long time; you get impatient. Pretty soon, both you and your daughter are having big emotions. After the 9:00 am meeting, you beat up on yourself for losing it.
This is where an early-morning loving-kindness meditation (LKM) can help. LKM originates from Buddhist practices and is also called “metta meditation.” The core idea behind LKM is to show unconditional kindness to yourself and others. It differs slightly from mindfulness, where the goal is to be present and notice what happens around you non-judgmentally.
The idea behind LKM is quite simple: think of a close friend, partner, or family member. This person loves you very much. Imagine that person talking kindly to you, sending you wishes for your safety and your well-being. Imagine you hear their kind voice and feel their positive energy. Then think of someone you don’t know well, like an acquaintance. You and this person share a similar wish: to be happy. The next step is to think of all the beings on this planet. They all share one thing: they wish to be safe and happy like you do.
Does LKM actually work? The results look promising. A 2015 review analysis examining 24 other studies on more than 1,700 individuals said LKM fostered positive emotions and concluded that more research is needed to understand better the brain processes that make LKM effective. A more recent study, from 2021, on people fighting depression showed that LKM, together with mindfulness therapy, improved depression symptoms.
A smaller LKM study was even made on parents. The researchers assigned 61 parents – mostly women in their mid-30s – to listen either to a guided LKM meditation or a guided imagery mediation for fifteen minutes. The results?
As predicted, the participants who listened to the KLM mediation were more likely to show self-compassion but not necessarily compassion towards others. These parents were also calmer and less frustrated or angry at their children.
3. Think of an important person in your life when you need help with your kids
Is there anything worse than your kids’ wanting your full attention at the same time while you feel drained after a full day at work?
Try this: visualize a close friend, your partner, grandmother, or one of your parents by your side, giving you help with the kids. What would this person say to you? Call to mind the warmth of their voice. Even if they are not physically beside you, the thought of them can fill you with the power to handle the situation.
Even if you didn’t grow up with good models of compassion, self-compassion is a skill you can learn. When you feel negative self-talk buzzing in your head, say what you would say to a close friend who is suffering.
As a highly sensitive parent, you most likely have high levels of empathy. Why not redirect that empathy toward you? You deserve it as much as others do because you are as good as any other parent on this planet.
