Did you know that a deeply feeling child is more emotionally aware and processes sensory information more than others?
And though emotional awareness and sensory intelligence are great gifts, they often come with a set of challenges, like anxiety, anger, meltdowns, and trouble with transitions.
So, if you often believe that you’ve caused your child’s worries, explosive outbursts, and frustration or that you’ve failed your child somehow, let me tell you that you’re not to blame.
You’re also not alone if you feel like that. Many parents of sensitive, different children do.
By learning more about the sensitive temperament, you’ll see that it has nothing to do with you. It’s a matter of misunderstanding how deep feeling children think and what triggers them. It just takes a bit of learning communication and understanding their big feelings.
Before you continue, we thought you might like our Time for Adventure FREEBIE. This fun activity can encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things, which, in turn, can boost their self-confidence.
Why does a deeply feeling child feel so much rejection, shame, and self-blame?
Sometimes, kids have a deep sense of “I’m not good enough,” which comes from the negative messages they perceive. There are a lot of situations that can trigger them. For example, it may be something you said when you snapped because you were tired, or when you turned down an invitation to play with them too abruptly, or when something turned different from what your child expected.
Additionally, when your child hears you, a classmate, a friend, or a teacher say something, they are likely to interpret it negatively if they are more sensitive. Their brain seems wired toward negativity.
That’s why knowing how to talk to your deeply feeling child is crucial.
5 Tips to Discipline without Making Your Deeply Feeling Child Feel Shame and Rejection
1. Ensure your deeply feeling child knows your love for them is unconditional
Our natural impulse is to stop our child’s big feelings, especially when it happens often. Even the most patient parent can end up shouting as they become increasingly overwhelmed, emotionally and sensory-wise.
What happens next is that the child ends up believing that the parent is angry at them for feeling that way. As a result, the child learns that feeling those emotions is not okay. They bottle up their feelings, start having negative self-talk, and the outbursts don’t stop. They still happen. Just like volcanoes occasionally erupt, deeply feeling children also have meltdowns out of the blue.
If you have a child who struggles with negative self-talk, it’s because those things they say are what they believe about themselves right now. Unfortunately, those negative beliefs influence their behavior every day.
One way to help reduce meltdowns is to ensure that your deeply feeling child knows you love them no matter how they behave. They need you to tell them that your own big emotions have nothing to do with your love for them.
2. Encourage responsibility while avoiding shaming
For children to learn self-accountability, they need to be aware of their impulses and identify their emotions and needs.
Helping your child identify how they feel, even if they are very young (“You’re sad because you wanted that”), can help them pause before reacting and encourage them to talk about their feelings.
You can try narrating your child’s behavior neutrally, without judgment, while setting simple and clear boundaries (“You’re biting. Let’s take a quiet break and join the other children later.”)
3. Help your deeply feeling child understand how others’ actions can affect them
Toddlers have limited self-awareness, yet they begin grasping emotions and actions by observing others’ impact on them. One way to help them see how others’ behavior impacts them is to narrate for your child what happens when someone makes them sad or happy.
You can try this,
- “I said no more throwing toys, and you did not like that.”
- “Grandma asked you to share, and you weren’t ready.”
- “Your friend brought you a present, and you feel excited now, don’t you?”
With older children, you can talk about relationships with classmates and friends to help them see what behaviors are okay and which ones are unkind. For instance, you can say: “I’ve noticed that what Milo did made you sad. Calling other people names is unkind, don’t you think?”
Sensitive children are often anxious in new situations or with new people because there’s a lot of information to take in and little time. So, you may want to talk on this subject and approach it in a neutral way that doesn’t make your child feel defensive. For example, you might want to begin the conversation casually, “My friend wanting to kiss you goodbye made you feel uneasy, so you covered your face. Am I right? Would you like to talk about it?”
4. Guide your child in understanding how their actions can affect peers
When your toddler causes upset to a peer, it helps to put those emotions into words. That way, your child starts learning about feelings and how we show our emotions through behavior. For example, you can say, “You threw her toy away. Now she’s crying. She’s upset and wants her plane back. Let’s go help her find it.”
They learn resilience and problem-solving by teaching children that mistakes can be repaired and that cooperation can solve most problems. If your child avoids joining you in diffusing the tension, get to their eye level, explain why it’s essential to follow through, and assure them that you’ll help.
With an older child, asking questions that encourage awareness and empathy might help:
- “How do you think your friend felt when you did/said that?”
- “How would you feel if someone did/said that to you?”
5. Explain how your deeply feeling child’s behavior affects adults
One way you can talk about how your child’s behavior affects the adults in their life without making them feel ashamed, rejected, or unloved is by framing your feedback using I-statements. For example, say, ” When you did [action], I felt [emotion].”
- “When you hit me, I felt sad. I know you’re upset because I turned off the TV, but using violence is not an acceptable way to express anger. Let’s find healthier ways to handle our emotions.”
- “I understand that school has been challenging for you, and it’s understandable that you had a tough time tonight. However, when you talk to me that way, I feel upset. So, I’d like you to avoid talking like that to me even when you’re facing difficulties. I love you and will always be here to support you. Let’s find a better way to express yourself if you need space.”
Another way to focus on the behavior, not the child, is to say, “Hitting hurts others,” instead of “You’re a mean kid for hitting.”
Does Your Deeply Feeling Child Get More Upset When You Validate Their Feelings?
Have you noticed meltdowns worsening when you tell your child, “You seem upset”?
For parents of deeply feeling children, it can be helpful to approach big feelings a bit differently. While we often mirror our children’s emotions as a form of validation, that can overwhelm a deeply feeling child.
So, you must choose the right time and setting: instead of talking about their feelings in the heat of the moment (especially if it happens in public), it’s best to retreat to a quiet corner, help your child calm down and then talk about what happened. Discussing while doing another activity can also help (like doing a puzzle or on a car ride).
Disciplining your child gently, without making them feel unloved, is something every parent of a deep-feeling child needs to do. When your child melts downs, whines, or gets angry, reacting gently is even more important.
