Does your child struggle with negative self-talk?
“Nobody loves me!”
“Everybody hates me!”
“I’m dumb.”
Over the last months, my eldest had repeatedly said, “Nobody loves me!”. And whenever I pointed out to them that it was not true and asked why they would say that they’d reply, “Because I’m dumb, that’s why.”
It broke my heart to hear these hurtful words. Needless to say, memories of my childhood rejection wounds flooded my mind, and I worried that my child was going through the same problems.
Any correction, no matter how gentle, would typically lead to those reactions.
For example, asking them to be kinder to the younger siblings resulted in my eldest claiming that I love their siblings more.
They were susceptible to criticism; any correction felt like a flaw.
But the problem was that they constantly pushed the limits through their behavior. As a result, I rebuked them often, and they replied, “No one loves me.” It felt as if we couldn’t end this cycle.
I knew I had to stop getting triggered in order to find out what I was doing wrong.
By separating myself emotionally from my child’s experience and listening without judging or giving solutions, I realized that my child’s behavior was similar to that of people with physical injury. An open wound that hurt when touched. The difference in our case what that my child’s wound was emotional.
What caused this wound?
My words.
I didn’t do it on purpose. I thought it was okay to say what I felt my child needed to hear (“That’s not true. You know I love you so much!”)
In fact, my words were not helpful. What I was doing was classical gaslighting.
Statements like “No one loves me” and “I’m dumb” were my child’s way to start a conversation about their feelings which were close to spilling out. By contradicting them, I stopped them from expressing themselves without fear of judgment.
Most often, that eventually resulted in a meltdown – my child bottled up their emotions until they exploded. Other children, particularly older ones, shut down. Other kids – with sensory issues – can start exhibiting sensory behaviors, like thumb-sucking and fidgeting.
Before you continue, we thought you might like our Things To Remember Poster. This poster helps build resilience, self-esteem, and a growth mindset, creating a more confident child. You can hang it in your calm corner, in your classroom or counselor office. Check it out!
Why do children say negative things about themselves?
Before delving into issues like low self-esteem and big feelings, let’s cover more common causes that make children say negative things about their self-worth.
Children like to say shocking things
Let’s talk about age first. During the preschool years, it’s common for children to discover that saying surprising or shocking things can have a powerful impact on others and attract positive or negative attention. These are the years when kids might blurt out hurtful words like “You’re the worst mom in the world.” It’s important to understand that this is a way to explore the boundaries of language and seek to assert themselves. Often, they don’t fully comprehend the meaning of their words and are merely experimenting. They may pick up such language from TV or peers in preschool. However, if their words have proven effective in terms of shock value or garnering attention and laughter from adults, they may be inclined to repeat them.
Children misinterpret others’ behaviors and don’t know how to handle emotions
Young children may occasionally say, “No one loves me” or “I’m so stupid,” but that doesn’t mean they mean it. Instead, they may not know how to put their feelings into words, handle their emotions, or have too little experience interpreting people’s behaviors correctly. That’s why they may need grown-up help to clarify the situation.
For example, “No one loves me” might translate into “I don’t like feeling left out,” “I’m dumb” can mean “I’m mad because I keep losing,” and “Everybody hates me” is a child’s way of saying “I need a hug.”
Imagine your child comes home upset. They start crying and say, “No one likes me.” Here’s what you might say:
“I heard you say no one likes you. What happened?”
“Sam didn’t want to play with me today.”
“Tell me more.”
“He played with Jamie.”
“So, when you say that no one likes you, you mean “I don’t like feeling left out.” Am I right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
You might then try to teach your little one some coping skills:
Next time Sam plays with Jamie, and you want to join in, you can tell them, “Can I join you? We are friends, and leaving me out is not nice. It makes me feel sad.”
Negative self-talk in school-aged children can be a sign of anxiety and feeling insecure
If your child is in school, but these hurtful phrases keep coming up often, it might be more. Here are several potential reasons:
- Feeling disconnected from parents or primary caregivers
- Low self-esteem
- Comparing themselves to siblings
- Low frustration tolerance when having to learn a new skill
- Mistaking feelings for facts or emotional reasoning – when you conclude based exclusively on your emotions.
5 Strategies for Overcoming Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk
1. Separate yourself emotionally
It can be tough for parents to stay calm when our kids doubt themselves. While you might have felt similar as a child, remember they’re on their own journey. By taking a step back, you can listen better and help them build the skills to handle life’s challenges.
2. Pause and listen
As parents, it hurts to hear that our children don’t feel loved; we want them to be happy. As a result, we often rush to question, judge, and reframe our child’s thoughts. However, by reframing without first listening, as I did with my child, we worsen the disconnection.
Your child may feel criticized and bottle up negative feelings. The negative emotions will then add up and transform into something bigger – cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions (like black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and disqualifying the bright side) are harder to correct.
If you think your child’s is bottling up negative feelings, check out our The Anxiety Iceberg Poster. This poster is a great conversation starter when you want to talk about emotions and don’t know how to start. You can hang it in your child room or therapy office as a reminder that while all emotions are okay, some behaviors aren’t. Check it out below!
Returning to self-worth statements, what’s important is to listen to our child’s feelings and opinions non-judgmentally. It’s best to avoid saying, “What would you say that? You know it’s not true. I love you so much!”
So, what does listening non-judgmentally look like? It should sound like you are mirroring your child’s feelings – you repeat what they’ve just said, focusing on the facts.
- “I heard you say that you feel everyone hates you. I’m here to listen and want to understand what’s going on. Can you help me understand why you feel like everyone hates you?”
- “I hear you say that you feel that nobody loves you. Let’s talk about why you’re feeling this way.”
- “What I hear is that you feel stupid. I want to hear more about this.”
- “I hear you saying that you feel unloved. I want to understand better what’s behind these thoughts. Can you share more about what’s been happening lately?”
- “Your mind is telling you that nobody loves you. I’m here for you, and we can work through these emotions together.”
3. Teach your child that we are more than our thoughts
Teaching our children that we are more than our thoughts and that our negative thoughts don’t define us is crucial. We all have moments of self-doubt, but we can learn to control our thought patterns and replace anger, disappointment, and sadness with positive and helpful thoughts.
You can say something like:
- “Your mind is telling you that you are unloved because no one helped you with this difficult assignment, right?”
- “Your mind is telling you that you are stupid because you haven’t learned to do this yet. Am I right?”
- “We all have moments when we feel angry. But they are just moments. Feeling angry doesn’t make you an angry person. Likewise, feeling stupid now doesn’t make you a stupid person.”
4. Empathize and validate
When we feel strong emotions, we think we are alone, and no one else has felt the same way. One way to help your child feel understood is to say, “Me too!”
You can reply, “Sometimes, when I feel like I have a long to-do list and no one is around to help me, my mind starts telling me painful things, too, like I am unappreciated.”
5. Respond to the need hidden underneath the negative self-talk
If you’re unsure what your child needs, ask questions until you identify the hidden need. That can also help them understand themselves better and communicate their needs more clearly next time.
You can say:
- “Tell me more. When do those thoughts come up? Can you remember another time when you felt this way?”
- “I hear you feel stupid. Did something happen to make you feel that way?”
If the problem is sibling rivalry, you might say, “Sometimes, I don’t choose the best words when I give you feedback about how you behave with your brother. I’ll try to do better next time,” or “Sometimes, being an older sister can be hard. I get that. I felt like that, too, when I was a child.”
Harsh words like “I’m dumb. No one loves me” can show that there are unmet needs. The longer the needs go unmet, the more they snowball into scary thoughts.
Don’t fear your child’s words. Instead, show them that their scary thoughts don’t scare you and that you can manage them together as a team.
Here are our Deep Breathing Exercises that can help your child manage their anxious feelings. Print the exercises as flashcards or posters, and try them together when everyone’s calm:
