Do you have a highly sensitive child who struggles with shame?
Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. When there’s a disconnection between who we are and who we believe we should be, shame takes hold.
At its core, shame is the belief that we are inherently flawed, unworthy, or fundamentally bad. It often stems from early experiences of rejection, criticism, or invalidation, leaving lasting imprints on our psyche. We internalize these negative messages, leading to a pervasive sense of shame that can shape our self-perception and influence our behaviors.
Societal expectations can also perpetuate shame. Cultural pressures play a massive role in a highly sensitive child’s sense of shame. That’s because our society doesn’t see sensitivity as a strength.
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How we shame a highly sensitive child without meaning to
Shame happens in all families, including loving ones. When parents feel overwhelmed by daily life struggles or pressure from well-meaning friends and relatives, they often make kids feel bad about needing, wanting, or feeling something or not being independent or outgoing enough.
We tend to focus on behavior and make children feel bad for not meeting expectations. But applying this tactic when raising a highly sensitive child is tricky. Your wording and body language matter because these children notice minor details and are acutely aware of their mistakes.
They are incredibly mistake-conscious, and it’s hard for them to shrug off an embarrassing experience or negative feedback. Even a minor critique can lead to painful self-consciousness. Highly sensitive children often internalize these experiences as personal flaws, fostering a deep sense of shame.
When a highly sensitive child feels shame, they become quiet and compliant. That is their coping strategy to avoid future embarrassment. The problem is that compliance doesn’t make children internalize the drive to do good.
Another essential contributor to the feeling of shame is societal expectations. Highly sensitive children may feel “less than” because our society values outgoing and bold people. That’s why it’s essential to make your child feel valued for who they are and help them discover their superpowers. The sooner they embrace their gift, the less they’ll feel ashamed for not being as society expects them to be.
It’s essential to help them see that toxic shame – feeling ashamed constantly for what we are and for minor mistakes – serves no purpose. It hinders personal growth and the ability to set boundaries with others and express ourselves authentically.
5 Tips to Avoid Shaming in a Highly Sensitive Child
1. Be aware of your shame triggers
Imagine you are at a playdate, and your child refuses to play. The other parents start noticing and say, “Is there something wrong? Why won’t you play with the others? You’re a shy one, aren’t you?”
If you have a highly sensitive child, that kind of talk can make them withdraw even more. Now you feel that everyone’s looking. You feel a heaviness in your chest, a sinking feeling – shame.
What do we do when we feel shame? We try to avoid it. How? Often, by passing it on to our children (“Can’t you play just one game?”)
It’s probably not a big deal if it’s an isolated event and you discuss with your child afterward to make repairs. But the point is that we must be aware of our shame triggers and how we can shame our children without realizing it.
If we know our triggers, we can break the cycle.
2. Cultivate unconditional love
Does your child hates or gets bored with emotion-naming games, breathing exercises, and mindfulness for kids? Most parents who have found that their children are highly sensitive have probably tried various parenting techniques to make them feel calmer and safer. But do you know why your child might seem uninterested?
Because they get the message that “You need to be fixed.” Unfortunately, sensitive children are susceptible to criticism and shame. They turn inward and focus on their deficiencies at the slightest sign of disapproval.
What helps most is showing them that you love them unconditionally and are valued just as they are, regardless of their actions, choices, mistakes, and temperament.
3. Focus on the behavior, not the person
Choosing your words when angry is hard, but wording matters greatly for highly sensitive children.
A simple way to avoid criticizing and shaming is to use I-statements. So, instead of saying, “That’s bad, you’re bad,” try to rephrase like this, “I feel upset that you bit your sister. I can see that you’re angry, but we don’t bite. What can you do next time that you’re angry?”
Another way to avoid shame but also correct the behavior is to show them that you trust they are good inside, but that good people can make bad choices (“I know that you are kind and wouldn’t hit your brother like that on purpose. What just happened there?”)
Separate their behavior from their inherent worth and communicate that you value them for who they are, not just for what they do.
4. Share your past experiences
If you can, share age-appropriate stories or personal experiences with your child when they feel shame for having made a mistake or for being laughed at. Try to retell the story while showing self-compassion and embracing your imperfections.
It always helps to hear something relatable when in a bad mood. It’s the same for our little ones.
5. Encourage open communication
At one point in our lives, we all have had a secret we have been ashamed of. Now imagine how good it feels to share it with someone who believes how hard it must have been for you and shows empathy.
The most significant gift our children can offer is sharing their secrets with us. For that to happen, especially when they’re older, we must encourage open communication when they’re young. We can show empathy when our children share their vulnerabilities with us.
6. Avoid comparisons
Comparing our children with peers can trigger our shame because of cultural norms regarding sensitivity. It’s easy to think that we aren’t good enough as parents when our children have different interests than peers, and maybe they also struggle with worries and sensory issues.
Many parents fall into the comparison trap when they have a highly sensitive child whom everyone labels “shy” and “slow to warm up” and when other kids seem accomplished.
While your child’s peers are into sports and have busy after-school schedules, yours might struggle with friendships, avoid birthday parties, and dislike the pressure of competitions.
However, it’s important to remember that highly sensitive children can shine bright their way. The best way to support them is to let them explore their interests without forcing them to be someone they’re not.
The Toxic Effects of Shaming a Highly Sensitive Child
It encourages bad behavior. When a child feels shame, they automatically feel like they are wrong and someone else is right. Somebody else has the power, and they feel small. That is an awful feeling to feel. What happens next is that the child will go and find another child on whom to exert power—for instance, a younger sibling. That’s true even for highly sensitive and compassionate children.
It leads to poor self-esteem. Shaming means criticizing and judging when someone makes a mistake. That’s wrong because the way we talk to children will become their inner voice. So, they’ll shame themselves when they face difficulties. Instead, it’s more helpful to help them focus on solutions. That way, they’ll be able to see mistakes as learning opportunities, not as shameful memories.
It fosters lying. Children are wired to have a good relationship with their caregivers for survival reasons. Highly sensitive children, who are, by default, more cautious and attuned to caregivers, feel an even higher need to feel loved and safe. So, they naturally want to please their parents. But when adults shame them, children can resort to lying for fear of damaging the relationship.
Shame can have debilitating effects on highly sensitive children due to their ability to process things deeply and their tendency to worry. Breaking the shame cycle requires time and self-compassion but will allow you to raise a self-confident and resilient child.
