Are you at a loss about what to do when your highly sensitive child plays favorites with parents?
Sometimes a highly sensitive child (HSC) is extremely attached to one parent and refuses to be nice to the other. What’s worse than hearing your kid cry for you just as you get out of the door for your first girls’ night out in ages? Then you hear them crying by the entrance door until you leave the driveway. Or you offer to read stories for bedtime, and they say, “No, I want Mommy.”
You know how hard it can be if you are the default parent. You have no free time, and your child dumps their emotional overload on you. Moreover, separation anxiety can become a nightmare when you leave the house. While we love our children dearly, it can be exhausting. Chronic fatigue and no self-care time can make you a scary parent.
Your child’s behavior can be disheartening for your partner, too. It can be soul-crushing always to be the second choice. Your partner probably craves a deeper connection and feels rejected. Even worse, they can feel like a bad parent.
This dynamic can also affect your marriage. For example, your partner might resent you for being “the one,” while your exhaustion makes you more likely to lash out or, on the contrary, withdraw.
So, why does it happen? Why does a highly sensitive child play favorites?
Why your highly sensitive child plays favorites
First, it’s normal for a child to be in “mommy mode” for several weeks or months and then suddenly go back to “daddy mode.” Although it can feel like an emotional whiplash, it is how children exercise independence and have their needs met by the parent who does it best.
But there may be other reasons, too:
- Different personalities. If your partner is non-HSP, they might have difficulty understanding high sensitivity. As a result, they can emotionally invalidate your little one without meaning to.
- Different parenting styles. Many times, parents are not on the same page with parenting approaches. One is gentler while the other is more disciplinarian. More authoritative parents believe an HSC’s frequent overstimulation is a “discipline problem.” Unfortunately, being big on rules can make you less popular. So, your HSC will likely feel closer to the more lenient partner because they are more fun and know when to offer comfort.
- The child and the parent don’t spend enough time together. Sometimes, parents don’t have enough bonding opportunities with their children. Changing jobs, a big move, and separation can cause this. The child has more bonding opportunities with the parent who takes care of their basic needs and is in charge of school pickup and bedtime.
Whatever the reason for your HSC favoring you, it can be hurtful for your partner. Here are some helpful tactics for you to go through this challenging period:
1. Understanding high sensitivity
A highly sensitive child is easily overstimulated both emotionally and sensory-wise. It means that they often need help to regulate and can appear demanding. However, it’s crucial to make the difference between demand and need. You might think that you give in to demands and that your HSC is spoiled. However, challenging behavior can hide an unmet need.
What does it have to do with favored parents? Like all humans, children tend to have closer bonds with people who understand their experiences.
Related: The 7 Hidden Gifts of Highly Sensitive Children
2. Offering emotional validation to your highly sensitive child
A highly sensitive child needs extra emotional assurance compared to peers because they are generally more sensitive to criticism and have strong feelings. The child’s strong emotions can easily trigger your partner’s stress response. Depending on how they were taught to handle outbursts when they were little, your partner might have difficulty accepting your HSC’s feelings and tantrums.
As tempting as it might be to discipline an HSC during a tantrum, tantrums are, in fact, excellent opportunities for offering emotional validation. For instance, during a meltdown, your partner can use time-ins to see what happens. A time in can allow your partner to empathize with your HSC and help the child navigate their anxieties. On the contrary, using phrases like “Toughen up, buddy” and trying to calm down as if nothing happened can feel invalidating for your HSC. Also, explaining instead of imposing consequences can help build a strong relationship.
By offering emotional validation, we prioritize connection and avoid clashing in with the child’s sensitive temperament.
Related: 8 Mistakes to Avoid When Your HSC Is Anxious
3. Set up “special time” with your highly sensitive child
“Special time” can be a fantastic opportunity for your HSC to bond with your partner and discover common interests. It’s a time when your partner should play on their strengths. For instance, what does your HSC like most about them? Do they like that your partner throws them high, or do they both enjoy video games? Do they both enjoy crafts or playing tag?
Use this opportunity for your much-needed self-care and trust your HSC and partner will have a wonderful time. So please refrain from giving instructions and go for a walk or a massage!
Related: 6 Key Strengths That Make You an Incredible HSP Mom
4. Act as a team when your highly sensitive child plays favorites
Your partner may feel jealous and disappointed at the endless attempts to connect with your HSC. As a result, they might end up feeling resentful against you, and your relationship might suffer. On your side, you might think that your husband is self-centered and does not genuinely take the time to understand what high sensitivity means.
The bottom line is that your child’s sensitivity can be challenging for your couple and different parenting styles make it worse. However, remember that it is just a difficult phase. Although you know best what is right for you, trying to change your partner (literally or figuratively) will not likely solve your problems. At the end of the day, your child might still prefer a particular parent. Moreover, your HSC’s brain is still developing, and you might see them change their attitude overnight without any parent doing anything special.
What can you do? Try to act as a team. You could start by setting up a set of basic non-negotiable rules and sticking to them so that you both offer consistent discipline. Different parenting styles can lead to arbitrary discipline to which HSCs don’t react well.
5. Divide roles to discourage your highly sensitive child from playing favorites
Some persons are not as good as others at providing emotional support. For example, they might not be able to handle too much emotion because they are highly sensitive themselves. Or, they are more rational and can’t understand why an HSC is so sensitive. So, instead of spending years being something you can’t be, let go of guilt and accept who you are as a parent.
For example, you might be compassionate. So, you can be the go-to parent for emotional issues. Your partner can take over the fun things like playing catch, taking the kid on their mountain bike, reading adventure books, and playing video games. You will be the “safety” parent, while your partner can be the “fun” parent.
On the contrary, you might be a strict parent. “Strict” does not mean “mean.” Strict parents set boundaries and enforce rules consistently, so you can teach your HSC self-discipline, how to work hard to succeed, and be self-reliant. You can take over tasks that best fit your personality, like:
- practicing with your child for competitions
- encouraging your HSC by talking about your struggles and how you overcame them when they feel disappointed after working hard on a project.
6. Take turns with daily routines
You don’t have to be the default parent, and your partner doesn’t always have to be the second choice. Even if your HSC is highly attached to you, being one hundred percent available is draining. You need to refill and nourish yourself. At the same time, your partner should have opportunities for bonding.
Taking turns for bedtime, school pickup, and bath time can be an excellent way to do that. For example, you might say to your HSC, “I know you want me, but it’s Daddy’s turn today. Tomorrow it will be mine.” Then, calmly accept your HSC’s strong emotions as they unfold.
Although it is hard, setting boundaries is healthy. Your HSC might still prefer you in times of stress. However, alternating with your partner for daily routines allows them to create their own habits together.
