Do you have an anxious highly sensitive child (HSC)?
Anxiety often stems from overestimating danger and underestimating our skills.
To begin with, HSCs have a highly active amygdala, making them react quickly to danger and be overly cautious. Thus, they are prone to overestimating danger.
Secondly, self-esteem issues are common among HCs. They arise from the fact that HSCs’ quiet temperament is not valued as it should be by our extrovert-loving society. In addition, many HSCs are sensitive to criticism. As a result, they are more likely to underestimate their skills.
Moreover, sensitive children notice minor details and process things deeply. As a result, they over-analyze possible problems, especially when faced with unpredictability. And they also ruminate a lot.
It’s no wonder, then, that a deeply feeling child is prone to feeling anxious. So, too often, they freeze or walk away instead of brainstorming solutions.
Moreover, a young child’s brain is still maturing and improving its ability to anticipate and reflect. During this process, new fears and anxieties can arise, which is normal.
Parents’ reactions to these worries can soothe or make negative feelings even more powerful. If you become overprotective, you are less likely to empower your HSC. Likewise, if you underestimate their feelings or make jokes about their anxiety, your HSC might not open up to you next time.
So, how can you help your HSC overcome anxiety?
Here are eight common mistakes to avoid and what you can do instead.
1. Assuming you know why your child is anxious
Listen with empathy to what your kid says and acknowledge their worries. Otherwise, you may risk getting the wrong impression.
For example, imagine your HSC does not like swimming in the pool. Even though you told your kid countless times that there is nothing to be worried about, they still refuse.
So, why don’t your explanations work?
One possible answer is that perhaps your HSC isn’t afraid of water. Instead, they don’t like wearing a swimming cap, for example. Or other kids are splashing around in the pool. Another cause might be the excessive noise which makes your HSC unable to focus.
So, in our example, it’s not fear of drowning that makes the child avoid swimming. They may struggle with touch and noise sensitivities. However, if you make a big deal out of drowning, your HSC might pick up on that. So, they might also start worrying about this risk, though they haven’t thought about the possibility of drowning in the first place.
2. Emotionally invalidating your anxious highly sensitive child
Many parents often encourage their kids with phrases like “Toughen up, buddy! There’s no reason to be scared.” We want our kids to be bold and courageous, yet our choice of words might invalidate their feelings. Moreover, HSCs are sensitive to criticism and sense that they are different, so they might easily conclude that something is wrong with them.
That’s why it’s best to listen with empathy and acknowledge their worries before giving advice.
Try to validate that your HSC is having a hard time and normalize their feelings (“It’s okay to feel nervous about this. I feel anxious when I make new friends, too.”)
Related: 9 Things You Should Never Say to Your Perceptive Child
3. Overprotecting your anxious highly sensitive child
Though it may be hard to see your child scared or worried, teaching them that fear is an inevitable part of life is a crucial lesson. Your parent instincts tell you that you need to relieve your kid from discomfort quickly, yet learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings is vital for growth. In fact, children need to accept feeling anxious and push through their anxiety to become confident and independent.
Moreover, while rescuing our children or avoiding altogether overwhelming situations reduces anxiety in the short run, these strategies will worsen matters in the long run.
4. Micro-managing your anxious highly sensitive child
Making all the decisions for your HSC might send the message that they cannot take care of themselves, which feeds anxiety.
Your over-involvement can lead to a tendency toward co-dependence: your HSC will feel anxious when you are not around. Moreover, always deciding for your HSC can make them unable to take responsibility for their actions. Ultimately, micro-managing a child can impede them from developing their identity as separate individuals.
Moreover, the fewer opportunities your HSC has to make decisions, the more they are likely to feel that they can’t control their environment. Eventually, highly spirited children feel angry and frustrated, whereas more even-tempered kids can feel less confident in their ability to make good decisions.
5. Being inconsistent in the way you discipline
Providing structure and warmth while giving consistent discipline is best for your anxious HSC. HSCs need to know they can rely on you. Otherwise, you might lose their trust.
Sometimes, we lose patience with our children because we are tired and need alone time. However, being harsh with your HSC when you feel like this can make them blame themselves excessively. In addition, toxic guilt can exacerbate anxiety. What’s more, an inconsistent attitude on your part can make them feel like they can’t control their environment, which can further contribute to stress.
6. Permissive parenting
Many parents give lots of freedom to children to keep them happy.
However, consistently disregarding your needs to keep your children happy might make you resentful in the long run. Ultimately, resentment can lead to inconsistent discipline on your part and anxiety for your child.
Instead, it’s better to give your child two or three choices that are okay for everyone in the family (“Would you like to ride your bike or go to the playground?” versus “What would you like to do this afternoon?”).
7. Blaming your parenting for your child’s anxiety
Millennial parents work a lot on improving their parenting techniques. As a result, they are most likely the best-informed generation of parents ever. But even the most knowledgeable parents can make mistakes. And even the most effective parenting tactics can go wrong.
So, many parents blame themselves for their sensitive children’s anxiety. But blaming yourself for your shortcomings won’t help your child. HSCs are more prone to worry due to their temperament.
So, try to see parenting as a journey in which you and your HSC learn something new daily.
8. Thinking your child will grow out of it
Anxiety may improve with age as childhood fears disappear and your HSC’s brain matures. However, it might leave a mark on social and emotional skills or other developmental skills (for example, coordination skills if your HSC fears certain sports). Ultimately, it can impact your HSC’s self-esteem.
That’s why you need to take specific action to support your HSC manage their big feelings.
Here’s a 6-step action plan to tackle your HSC’s anxiety in overwhelming situations:
- Try soothing first. Be calm and give a hug if your HSC asks. If it doesn’t work, then go deeper.
- Ask, listen and acknowledge their worries.
- Ask your child how anxious they are on a scale from 1 to 10.
- Have your HSC tell you how their anxiety makes them feel. For example, does your child experience any physical sensations, like tummy aches and an increased heart rate?
- Explain to them what happens. Anxiety is how our brain warns our body to prepare for something unknown. It is helpful sometimes because it helps us anticipate problems.
- Identify the potential problems your HSC worries about (“What if…?”) and brainstorm for solutions.
Final thought
When parents are anxious, their kids are anxious, too. So, the first thing to do when dealing with your HSC is to work on your own emotions. As a parent, you play a crucial role in teaching resilience and modeling positive behaviors. So, try to ground yourself before you help your HSC.
