HSP parents, do you have a sense of feeling guilty all the time? That you aren’t raising a kid living up to their full potential? Or, perhaps, when something goes wrong, you feel responsible for what happened.
No matter what you do, you have the feeling that you haven’t done enough.
Some of your thoughts might include:
- “I should have been more patient with my son. I’m so selfish. He’s only a toddler.”
- “Other parents are more patient than me.”
- “If I don’t put my kid’s needs first, I’m a bad parent.”
Why do HSP parents feel guilty?
Let’s start by saying that HSPs have a harsh inner critic.
What our inner voice sounds like can be traced back to the messages we received during our childhood.
Let’s take some examples:
Imagine that your parents have always told you to work harder than everyone else if you want to succeed. Even when you were doing great, they made sure to suggest areas of improvement. But, no matter what you did, it was never enough.
Or they were emotionally immature and unknowingly projected their insecurities on you, telling you that you wouldn’t make it no matter how hard you tried.
Sensitive people tend to be deeply affected by challenging experiences in the early years. Therefore, you likely absorbed your parents’ negative thinking and developed self-esteem and people-pleasing issues.
As an adult, your parents’ voices became part of your inner self. And while their advice might have been helpful when you were a child, it now holds you back from reaching your potential.
Too often, your inner critic tells you what you should do and what you shouldn’t. Unfortunately, this way of thinking likely drains you because blaming ourselves for not doing the right thing all the time is emotionally exhausting.
You cannot be a perfect parent. (I bet you haven’t met one yet, and you don’t want to, either.)
You cannot feel guilty for not pleasing your child every time.
You have needs, too.
How do HSP parents behave when feeling guilty?
HSPs find it uncomfortable to assert themselves for fear they are not accepted as they are. They are susceptible to rejection because their need for external validation and appreciation is high.
When it comes to their kids, HSP parents don’t usually say “No” because they want (need) to be liked, feel bad for upsetting their child, and try to avoid conflict. Moreover, they internalize every emotion that their kid shows during a tantrum.
HSP parents are also sensitive to other people’s opinions regarding raising their kids. For instance, should they be late for school pick-up, they feel chaos inside at the thought of facing a judgmental look from school staff.
How to stop feeling guilty
Luckily, there are several efficient tactics that you can use to prevent guilt from getting in the way of you enjoying your parenting journey:
1. Minimize negative self-talk
The feeling of guilt often stems from a negative sense of self that HSPs developed during childhood if they were raised in a challenging environment. Parenting adds up to the self-esteem issues HSPs had before having kids because it can be such a triggering experience.
However, instead of giving in to negative self-talk, it’s better for HSP parents to:
- Learn to identify when you feel guilt: Take mental notes or keep a journal of your thought patterns.
- Find what lies behind your negative self-talk: Is it fear of disappointing your child? Is it fear of your child ending up like you? Do you fear rejection?
- Reframe your thoughts: It’s best to avoid thinking in terms of “Yes, but.” Instead, try reframing your ideas to see the positive side instead of focusing on the negative.
2. Implement a “No” Mindset
Relentlessly trying to please your kid can be unhealthy because it comes with an emotional cost for both you and your child.
Even though pleasing feels good initially, it is a temporary feeling because how you feel is tied to your child’s response. For example, if your child takes it for granted, you might feel resentful for not being appreciated.
So, it’s best to remind yourself that your child needs to go through uncomfortable emotions like disappointment and anger to learn to self-regulate.
What’s more, remember that your feelings matter, too.
Three easy ways to say “No” to your child without triggering a huge tantrum are:
- Delaying:
- “I’m busy right now. Can you ask me again in ten minutes?”
- “We can’t go there today. Maybe we can try tomorrow. What do you think?”
- Applying logical consequences:
- “You need to wear your bike helmet. Otherwise, you might get a head injury if you fall off the bike.”
- “It’s better if you didn’t play with water while in the park. You’ll get cold, and I haven’t brought any spare clothes.”
- Reminding the rule, firmly and lovingly: “I love you, and that’s our house rule.”
3. Apply the “Trust Tactic”
This tactic requires reframing your thoughts to trust your child will manage without your constant advice.
The Trust Tactic requires a lot of effort since it may be the opposite of what your parents taught you. Moreover, you may need to work on your anxiety and overthinking, to which HSPs are prone frequently.
4. Don’t fall into the “Over-responsibility Trap”
HSP parents have a high level of compassion which makes them prone to over-responsibility and, ultimately, toxic guilt.
Hyper-responsibility is the tendency to manage things to prevent harm, even those that you can’t control realistically. When things don’t turn as planned, we feel guilty for not having done enough.
The point is that we can’t prepare for every situation. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Our plans will have strengths and weaknesses, too. That is why self-compassion is crucial.4
While HSP parents are highly empathetic towards their children, they find it hard to be self-compassionate.
Also, you might need to continuously evaluate your duties, and acknowledge that you aren’t responsible for each of your child’s mistakes. It is healthy for them to make a mistake now and then. Your job is to encourage your kid to find solutions and build resilience.
5. Separate your feelings from your child’s
Many parents feel like their children are a reflection of themselves.
HSPs, in particular, find it challenging to separate their feelings from their children’s. If, in addition, they have self-esteem issues, like many HSPs who’ve had a difficult childhood, they might feel like their child’s problems are their fault.
Most often, HSP parents may think that, through their behavior, they changed for the worse their child’s character and life. As a result, they feel distressed that their kid hasn’t turned into the ideal adult.
The problem with this type of thinking is that we fail to see our kids as separate individuals and blame us for their behavior.
If you find yourself in this situation, think of both the negative and positive influences you have on your kid’s life. Also, think of how other people influence your child (your partner, teachers, friends, and other family members).
The point is to focus on your child’s positive traits and achievements and take their behavior less personally.
When you give up feeling accountable, you can make room to see your kid as a separate individual.
6. Don’t worry excessively about your kid’s challenging behavior
Imagine your kid having a complete meltdown after school. They are probably hangry after an overwhelming day. Or maybe it’s developmentally appropriate to throw a tantrum occasionally. Perhaps they feel safe expressing negative emotions at home.
But your HSP parent instinct (aka underlying feeling of guilt) might tell you otherwise: “What if my daughter lags in emotional regulation?”. What do you do?
If you are like me, you’ll google “emotional regulation lagging skills” after the kids are asleep. Then, of course, you’ll find out all sorts of causes and start (mis)diagnosing. Your negative thoughts will spiral, and you’ll feel worried for not spotting the symptoms earlier.
Coming back to the real world, you may see that your partner and other family members haven’t noticed the same things as you. Then, you start to doubt yourself. Finally, you feel guilty for assuming your child was the problem when your reactive parenting caused your kid’s outburst.
To sum up, it’s best to be aware of your tendency as an HSP to feel guilty for no apparent reason. You might try practicing mindfulness to identify your thoughts and re-evaluate if your worries are real.
7. Avoid the “I should have known” trap
All parents are familiar with the “I should have known” thought pattern. Scientists call it the hindsight bias. It’s a thinking error in which we act as if we knew an outcome before it happened.
Let’s look at an example.
Imagine your kid comes home from school in a bad mood. They repeatedly test your limits by being mean to the baby and then jumping up and down the couch. So, you end up yelling. Then, you finally find out that your kid had a bad day at school.
Suddenly, everything makes sense, and you feel guilty that you overreacted. “I should have known,” you might tell yourself.
But, instead of feeling guilty, try the following:
- try changing your thoughts to: “I wish I had known.”
- challenge your assumptions based on the information you had at the time.
For instance, in our example, you could say:
“I wish I had known my daughter had a bad day at school. Unfortunately, I didn’t know she had a bad day because I didn’t have time to ask her as I was busy preparing dinner.”
Was there something you could have done better? Was there a better option? Of course, there’s always a better option. But no parent is perfect.
8. Consider therapy
If you feel guilty all the time and can’t accept less than perfection from yourself, consider going to therapy. We all have psychological wounds, and the right professional can help you work on them. Once we heal them, we begin to trust our own judgment more and separate from our kids’ feelings and behaviors. Therapy can also help deal with our triggers, like our child’s whining, and help us discover our best selves.
Children can also benefit from their parents going to therapy as well.
References
- Katharine D. Wojcik, Daniel W. Cox, David Kealy, Adverse childhood experiences and shame- and guilt-proneness: Examining the mediating roles of interpersonal problems in a community sample, Child Abuse & Neglect, Volume 98, 2019, 104233, ISSN 0145-2134, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2019.104233. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213419304107 )
- https://sensitivityresearch.com/about-sensitivity/
- Fuschia M. Sirois, Susan Bögels & Lisa-Marie Emerson (2019) Self-compassion Improves Parental Well-being in Response to Challenging Parenting Events, The Journal of Psychology, 153:3, 327-341, DOI: 10.1080/00223980.2018.1523123
