Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring – quite often the hard way.
Pamela Dugdale
In this article:
- How to help your HSC Toddler cope with a Newborn
- Don’t Feed the Flames: Top 3 Things to Avoid Saying to Your HSC Toddler
Becoming a parent can be overwhelming. Becoming a sibling can be overwhelming, too.
My highly sensitive (HSC) daughter was two and a half years old when her sister was born. We had an incredible connection before the baby was born. We always discussed, negotiated, and set limits with empathy. We spent loads of time together as a family of three.
However, things changed when her sister was born. Clearly, we expected jealousy as our HSC was pretty high maintenance. But her behavior crossed a line. My sweet HSC toddler would scream at the top of her lungs when the baby had colic. She would pee on the floor “as babies do” and attempt to climb on me while I was breastfeeding her baby sister. Also, she would be close to exploding around younger children who cried when we were out and about.
We started to get worried about her behavior. She was definitely overwhelmed, and we felt at a loss about her emotional struggles.
We needed to find an effective strategy to help her manage the significant change. The way we had been parenting worked for an only HSC. But add high sensitivity and a new sibling into the mix, and you get a living hell.
Fortunately, after reading more about high sensitivity and siblings’ relationships, I found these excellent tips that I will share with you.
Here are 25 simple suggestions that worked for us:
1. Be honest with your HSC toddler
Your eldest child will face a change of status and feel their position in the family undermined by the new baby.
Therefore, let your HSC toddler know that initially adjusting to a new baby may be challenging. Anyway, highly sensitive children are very intuitive and will know something is going on.
It’s best to have an open conversation and assure them that they are special to you, no matter what. Also, answer any questions your toddler might have without inducing anxiety.
Though the arrival of a new baby is challenging, you will eventually settle into a new routine.
2. Be honest to yourself
You don’t have as much energy to play with your toddler. You may feel guilty for putting your HSC toddler through such a big change.
On their part, your kid fears that they will lose the connection with you, as they are such sensitive little souls.
You can’t hold them in your arms as often as before because your back already hurts from holding the baby in your arms day and night. Having your HSC toddler in your lap suddenly feels difficult, too.
And you are so tired that you want a little time by yourself when the baby sleeps.
Know that these feelings are normal, Mamma! So, allow yourself time to understand your emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Adding a new baby to the family is challenging for everyone.
3. It’s okay to mourn your “family of three”
Sometimes, parents mourn for their life before, despite the joy and gratitude that a new baby brings. Second-time mom guilt happens more often than we care to admit.
So, instead of disguising your sorrow, tell your HSC toddler that you also feel a bit overwhelmed and reassure them of their important place in your family. Your HSC toddler needs to know what makes them unique and your unconditional love for them as an individual.
4. Show empathy to your HSC toddler
Accept your toddler’s negative feelings and be prepared for regression and outbursts. Children cope with uncomfortable changes primarily by showing challenging behaviors. Their brain is not well developed enough. Hence their impulses will ride over their desire to please you.
When correcting our toddlers’ mistakes while they’re distressed, our kids may get the unspoken message that they are bad and defiant. They thus enter into a cycle of shame.
However, HSCs are conscientious by nature, so they always do their best. Their negative behaviors are usually misguided attempts at meeting their needs.
Moreover, try to empathize by showing that you also have mixed feelings when you get overwhelmed. A new baby is a time of unchartered change for everybody.
Also, empathize by focusing less on what your HSC toddler is doing wrong. Specifically, instead of “I understand you’re angry, but hitting is not allowed,” you could say, “I see you’re angry. How can I help you?”. When they suffer, children need to feel seen rather than corrected.
5. Show love to both children simultaneously
Sometimes, parents want to avoid sibling jealousy so much that they ignore the baby when the toddler is present.
But showing love simultaneously to both kids sends the message that you are there for them both and are a united family of four. Likewise, cuddling the baby while encouraging the toddler to participate helps build a strong bond between siblings.
6. Accept attempts for connection during feeding time
Feeding time is particularly challenging for an HSC toddler, especially if you are breastfeeding exclusively and not using bottles.
When they see you feeding the baby, an HSC toddler will get particularly jealous of the closeness between you and the baby. Therefore, they may become clingy, whiney, ask you to play together, or downright cry and scream at you to put the baby down.
It’s hard for a Mamma to choose which child she’ll let cry.
Here are some helpful tips to help you navigate through these challenging periods:
#1. Let the negative feelings out before feeding time
Be tolerant of negative emotions if you know feeding time is approaching so that your HSC has time to decompress. Also, try to laugh and play as much as possible in the hour before feeding.
#2. Encourage hugs from your HSC toddler while feeding the baby
It’s tough, but try to do your best to make your toddler feel included. If you can’t use your arms, ask your toddler to give you a hug or a kiss. “Oh, I want a hug you so much, but my hands are busy right now. Could you hug Mamma, please? I need one right now.”
#3. Have a snack/special treat together during feeding time
If the kid wants a bottle or asks why you need to breastfeed, tell them that older kids can have special treats while babies can’t. You could also try offering a snack (“Hey, let’s have a snack together while we feed the baby. We are older and we can have special treats, while the baby drinks milk only. Isn’t it boring to be a small baby?”)
#4. Have your HSC toddler play in the bathtub
All children love to play in the bathtub. So, if your HSC toddler is on the verge of a tantrum while you’re nursing, consider inviting them to have a bath. You will have to feed the baby in the bathroom, which is not very comfortable. However, it’s better than a tantrum. Make sure you have lots of toys in the bathroom so that you don’t have to get up and look for toys while feeding the baby.
7. Expect your HSC toddler to do well
Though it may sound weird, it’s the most fantastic advice that I received from my mom. Our children always try to live up to our expectations, therefore always presume the best possible intent.
So, when someone asks, “How is your toddler coping with the new baby?” admit that the change is hard but always say something positive about how your HSC toddler behaves around the baby:
- “Oh, it’s a big change, but they love the baby so much,”
- “They talk so nicely to the baby and help me change their diapers.”
8. Plan extra one-on-one time with your HSC toddler
A ten-minute daily special time can do wonders to your connection. But, of course, the essential rule is to be uninterrupted quality time. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, though.
Moreover, one-on-one time works best when kids decide what to do during this time. So let your HSC toddler choose whatever games and activities they would like you to do together.
However, reading before bedtime doesn’t count as a special time if it’s already part of your daily routine.
9. Help your HSC toddler feel included
One way of helping your HSC toddler settle into their new role is to include them in taking care of the baby. The idea is to invite rather than pressure them into helping.
But they might also refuse as small children tend to ignore newborn babies in the first weeks. However, praise their behavior when they help you with the baby.
Also, older siblings feel included when we call the baby theirs:
- “Oh, your baby needs a diaper change. Do you want to help me change her?”
- “It sounds like your baby is waking up. Do you want to come to get her with me?”
- “Your baby’s crying. I wonder how we can help her.”
10. Make your HSC toddler feel important
For HSCs, their connection with their parents is crucial. They need to know that they matter to you.
Children feel important when they are part of such a challenging task as taking care of the baby, but also when we fulfill their needs fast.
However, a toddler’s needs suddenly seem less pressing than changing and feeding a newborn with a new baby around.
What can we do?
First, we aim to help the HSC toddler become more patient when waiting for us to help them. Secondly, we need to have a strong connection so that the toddler is willing to wait their turn.
Fortunately, there are some simple techniques that I’m going to share with you:
- Don’t blame it on the newborn: “I can’t wait to build a tall tower with you. I’ll be there as soon as my hands are free.”
- Praise positive behavior: “Thanks for bringing me a clean diaper. I would have had to go to another room to get a diaper, so you really helped me. Thanks a lot!”.
- Make the kid feel special: “I like it so much when we play this game together,” or “I like it so much when we go to the farmers’ market.”
- Let your HSC toddler be the star: when people come to see the new baby, let your HSC toddler introduce them to the new baby and ask guests to bring a gift for the toddler rather than the baby.
- Say something positive about the toddler to people admiring the baby: “The baby’s gorgeous like his big brother.”
11. Offer quiet time to your HSC toddler
Highly sensitive children need quiet time to recharge after spending time in an overstimulating environment (like when living with a newborn).
So, when your HSC toddler feels overwhelmed, ask them if they would like to go into their room or another quiet place and do some fun and relaxing activities on their own. Listening to an audiobook, doing a puzzle, and playdough are great ideas for decompressing.
12. Explain to your HSC toddler why the baby is crying
Whenever your HSC toddler and new baby are unsettled, remain calm and talk matter-of-fact try to talk to your eldest about what is happening and why. Speak calmly while explaining logically why the baby is upset. Here are some examples:
- “Baby is crying. Maybe he’s hungry. Let’s try feeding her”.
- “Baby seems unsettled. It’s about nap time. Let’s give her a nap”.
Frequently, the noise the baby makes triggers highly sensitive children. If that’s the case, you can buy headphones and teach the HSC toddler to ask to move the baby away or express their need for quiet time in a different room.
13. Praise the sibling when talking to the baby
Overhearing your praise will improve your HSC toddler’s self-esteem and attitude markedly:
- “Your sister brought you your bunny. She’s so kind. You’re so lucky to have such a sister!”
- “Your sister brought me the wipes from the other room. That’s so nice of her. You’re so lucky, baby!”
14. Tell your HSC toddler stories about when they were a baby
Explain to your HSC toddler how they wanted you to hold them in your arms and show them things around the house or how much they liked you to dance with them in your arms. Such stories will help your kid feel loved and understand what it will be like with a new baby around.
15. Read books on new babies
Books can be a lovely starting point for conversations about babies. They can also be healing.
So, as you read a book about babies and nursing, ask your toddler questions like:
- How did the little bear feel about his mother not being able to climb the trees with him?
- How do you think the little bear felt when his mother told him to care for his little brother?
- Why did he feel like that?
- Do you think his mother knew how he felt?
- What can the little bear do?
16. Do a social story
What’s a social story? You take a photo of your HSC toddler and add it into a story about the arrival of a new baby.
Use the social story to talk about the baby fussing, crying, feeding time, diaper changes, and night waking.
17. Playing pretend with baby dolls
Baby dolls are an excellent way to teach a toddler about feeding, changing, and carrying a new baby in a baby carrier or sling.
Additionally, you can explain to your HSC toddler how to soothe a baby by holding the doll to their chest and breathing calmly and deeply while singing to or swaying it. It is not only a way to calm their baby brother or sister but also to self-soothe. Self-regulation is a crucial skill HSCs need for adjusting to a new sibling.
18. Let them choose what toys and books to put aside for the baby
Let your toddler choose what toys, clothes, and books to set aside for the baby.
Also, decorate the baby’s room together. For example, ask your HSC toddler to draw or paint something beautiful for the baby.
19. Have a busy box for feeding time
To create a busy box, get a plastic box and put together a small pack of goodies that your HSC toddler gets when you are feeding the baby. It should be something non-messy that keeps them engaged long enough for you to feed the baby. For example, it can be sensory bags, feathers, pompons, sensory fidget toys, squishy balls, or stickers.
20. Use a baby carrier
Baby carriers are great because they allow you to have your hands free to play with your HSC toddler. You can even nurse the baby in the carrier, and the baby will feel happy to feel you near them.
Baby carriers are also great if you want to go to the park with your toddler. The baby can nap in the carrier while your toddler burns some energy.
21. Let your partner take control
Hug your HSC toddler and let your partner offer them sandwiches and eggs for lunch while you walk in the park during baby’s naptime.
Your partner may surprise you with his laid-back parenting style, which has nothing to do with yours. However, refrain from controlling everything. Otherwise, you risk having a less involved partner than you’d like in raising your children.
22. Have a video call with a family member when you’re busy with the baby
Ask a family member to entertain your HSC toddler through a video call while you nurse or need to bathe the baby.
Friends and family are usually so excited about the new baby that the discussion may revolve around the new baby. If that’s the case, you may need to tell them that, though your HSC toddler adores his new baby, they need to feel special, too, so the video call should be about them.
23. Rotate the toys and minimize clutter
Store part of the toys away and rotate them once a week. This way, your HSC toddler doesn’t get bored.
Additionally, set up the room for play during feeding times. For example, have a playdough table in one corner, some books in another corner, and maybe a train track on the mat.
Also, keep the room decluttered so that your HSC toddler doesn’t feel overwhelmed at seeing toys all around. This way, they are more likely to play.
24. Get plenty of outdoor time
HSCs benefit a lot from spending time outdoors. Simply walking in the park and feeling the fresh air reduces cortisol and adrenaline and makes us feel happier. In addition, toddlers have a lot of energy, whether or not they are HSC. Burning it on the playground can make them more cooperative.
Going to the park with an HSC toddler and a newborn has its challenges, but it is manageable. You can put the baby in a sling or other baby carrier and thus have your hands free to play with the toddler. Another option would be to have playdates in the park, as the other moms can help take care of the baby. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
25. Limit the unnecessary “No.”
Sometimes, we say “No” to our children and hold onto old-fashioned ideas without giving them a thought. We reinforce behaviors and ideologies that were passed over from our parents but are unnecessary and don’t need to follow.
We need to think about our “No’s” and ask ourselves if they are necessary.
A new baby’s arrival is an uncomfortable change for everyone in the family. However, as we are busy with our new responsibilities, we may forget that we need to respect our older child’s autonomy. Hence, an HSC toddler will backlash as they don’t know how to express themselves otherwise.
Don’t feed the flames: Top 3 things to avoid saying to your HSC toddler
#1. You’re making me…
Kids shouldn’t be responsible for our feelings. Instead of “You’re making me sad, ” state the cause and effect facts, “You are hitting me with your legs, and it hurts. Please stop.”
#2. Don’t wake up the baby.
Toddlers often feel they have no control over their lives.
So, it’s no wonder that they believe they have discovered a superpower when all they hear all day is “Don’t wake up the baby.”
Waking the baby up is their opportunity to get revenge on the new being that has stolen you from them.
Therefore, instead of telling your kid that, you could say,” Remind me to be quiet while the baby’s sleeping. It’s your responsibility. The more she sleeps, the more time we can spend together playing your favorite games.”
#3. Mamma’s tired because of the baby.
Many parents believe they should tell an HSC toddler that their mom can’t play with them as she’s too tired because of the baby.
However, the toddler may associate the baby’s arrival with the fact that Mamma is now unable to meet their needs. So, instead of “Mamma’s tired because of the baby,” say, “Mamma’s not feeling well right now,” and try to connect in another way.
Final thought
I must say that we had a rough time transitioning to a family of four and went through epic sibling rivalry with our highly sensitive toddler. However, things eventually returned to normal, and our girls became best play buddies when the younger one was about two. They are both older now, and I wonder whether it’s time for baby #3.
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