Parents, listen up. It’s time to take a close look at how you’re dealing with your highly sensitive child’s (HSC’s) self-esteem issues and how to boost those scores in the most naturally effective and easy way.
Let’s say you are in desperate need of building your HSC’s self-esteem, but you don’t know how to proceed. Maybe you see them down and out, not giving themselves the respect they deserve or beating themselves up over mistakes.
“Tell your struggling self, I love you so much.”
Haemin Sunim
Being human does mean making mistakes. However, mistakes do not mean you shouldn’t be loved, and sometimes your child may feel like they aren’t.
For an HSC, this is crucial – sensitive children should feel good about themselves and their abilities. It’s because they are emotionally intense and susceptible to criticism.
However, building self-esteem in kids without making them feel entitled is a rather tricky task that does not come naturally to many parents. Many even tend to overpraise their HSCs. In addition, they often think struggles and failures affect kids’ self-esteem, while they are an opportunity to build it.
Please tell yourself: “It’s not my fault.” You might simply need better ways of handling these situations.
So, keep reading to learn more about expanding your child’s mind so they grasp self-esteem and hold on to it tightly.
Why is self-esteem important?
Self-esteem is essential when approaching so many different life situations and decisions.
Having self-esteem means your HSC believes they matter in this world and have an overall sense of feeling great about who they are. When children recognize their worth and value in the world, they are built better for the twists and curves life may throw at them.
Here are the key factors that influence your HSC’s self-esteem:
- How other people react: Sensitive children have a different personality from 80% of their peers. So, unfortunately, it shouldn’t be any wonder that people may try to tease or label them. These things can dampen your HSC’s self-esteem.
- School life: Our schools are not ideal for an intense child. There’s a lot of socializing going on, noises and lights. In addition, teachers value self-assertiveness and teamwork, which are two skills that don’t come naturally to an HSC. Therefore, your child’s self-esteem can take a hit from school life struggles.
- Family life. Many of our beliefs as adults and perceptions about ourselves stem from messages we have received from parents and siblings during our early years.
How to build an HSC’s self-esteem
It can be challenging to make a sensitive child know his or her worth. An HSC’s ego is very delicate and can be shaken up at any sign of disappointment.
Here are eight simple parenting tactics to boost your sensitive child’s self-confidence:
1. Acknowledge your kiddos’ feelings.
Try to validate your HSC’s feelings even if you are upset that they haven’t followed your rules. Intense children need to know that their opinion matters.
Sensitive kids tend to have self-esteem issues but are also conscientious. Therefore, always assume that they do their best.
Moreover, if your kid is sad or angry about failing at something, ask about their feelings instead of advising them to move past them. Highly sensitive kids are hard on themselves, so they need to learn self-compassion and tolerate their imperfections.
2. Allow your HSC to make choices within reasonable limits.
With set boundaries, you should allow your kiddo to feel in control of certain situations and let them make choices that benefit them. Thus, offer them several options that work for you, and invite them to choose.
3. Do your best to offer autonomy.
Kids need to feel capable but not entitled.
Therefore, it’s best if you don’t do something for them that they know how to do or are capable of doing. Similarly, show your HSC how to accomplish a new task instead of doing it yourself. Their self-esteem will boost when learning a new skill.
Otherwise, your kid is likely to expect help in the future, probably thinking that it’s your job and that they can’t perform to adult standards anyway.
4. Lead by example.
Try to show your sensitive kid reliable ways of dealing with challenging situations. For example, HSCs are particularly sensitive to criticism.
So, speak up and don’t accept unfair judgment from others. But, at the same time, show your kiddo how to take constructive criticism with tact and grace.
5. Build your HSC’s self-esteem by talking about your failures.
Children need to learn the importance of resilience when facing challenges, and their best example is you. So, recollect times from your childhood when you haven’t done your best and times when you have failed. Then, explain to your kid that you have learned something new each time and that the experience you have gained has helped you reach your goals.
6. Encourage your HSC to try new things
Orchid children are cautious by nature. They tend to reflect a lot upon risks before trying something new. However, getting out of their comfort zone can benefit their self-esteem immensely.
First, let them decide what new things they want to try. Start with smaller but achievable challenges, and don’t push too hard. Also, keep things light and fun.
For example, your kid might decide they want to learn to swim. But they hate water in their eyes, so this will be a challenge for them. What can you do? You can start by giving your kid opportunities to play with water: water spray games, water balloon pinata, water limbo, or even wetting their hair before shampooing if they are old enough. Then, meeting the coach would be an excellent opportunity to get familiar with the surroundings. Also, opt for parent-child swim classes in the beginning until your kiddo feels safe without you.
Related: 10 Surefire Parenting Tactics to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child Thrive
7. Encourage your HSC to help others as a way to boost their own self-esteem.
Sensitive children like to help and instinctively know what other people need. But, at the same time, talking to new children can be challenging for them.
Therefore, try to encourage them to help others as a way to boost their social skills and increase self-esteem.
Studies show that kindness towards strangers increases our self-esteem more than when we help family or friends.
What Parents Should Avoid When Their HSC Has Low Self-Esteem
Avoid praising too much.
If you want to build self-esteem in your kid without making them feel overly entitled to compliments, don’t praise them excessively. Likewise, don’t use keywords or phrases that might make them brag to peers. For example, telling them words like “You are the smartest kid in your class” will build feelings of superiority rather than self-esteem.
Praising a child too much can also make them depend on external appreciation, which is a prime contributor to low self-esteem.
It would be best always to appreciate their effort, not the final result. If your kids make a mistake, let them feel they are still loved.
Don’t protect them from disappointment.
Avoid protecting your HSC from regular daily life or interacting with other kids that might hurt their feelings. The ability to tolerate imperfection and failures is a crucial life skill sensitive children need to master.
Your child needs to experience negative comments now and then – that’s how the world works. They need to learn that not everyone is nice. In moments like these, you can help them feel better about themselves without saying anything negative about another child.
You can’t cuddle them every time something goes wrong. Surprisingly, pampering kids too much can lead to low self-esteem.
A Take Home Message
Self-esteem is learned over time and won’t happen overnight, but building it in your child is something that can start today. Offer a sense of security to your child and make them feel valued and accepted at all times.
The naturally loving connection between a parent and child mixed with appreciation for their abilities is bound to help their self-esteem rise high.
With varied life experiences (positive and negative), your child will learn what self-esteem means and how to, in turn, project what they’ve learned to their peers.
Making kids know they are valued will do wonders for their physical and mental well-being, and they will continue the cycle with their friends and family.
References
Brummelman, E., Crocker, J., & Bushman, B. J. (2016). The praise paradox: When and why praise backfires in children with low self-esteem. Child Development Perspectives, 10(2), 111-115. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12171
Xinyuan Fu, Laura M. Padilla-Walker, Michael N. Brown, Longitudinal relations between adolescents’ self-esteem and prosocial behavior toward strangers, friends and family, Journal of Adolescence, Volume 57, 2017, Pages 90-98, ISSN 0140-1971, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.002. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140197117300507)
Gulla B and Golonka K (2021) Exploring Protective Factors in Wellbeing: How Sensory Processing Sensitivity and Attention Awareness Interact With Resilience. Front. Psychol. 12:751679. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.751679
