Is your child intense and sensitive? Maybe they don’t feel at ease in bustling parks. Criticism makes them hide in their inner self. They shut down the TV during tension-filled scenes in their favorite cartoons. And they vividly remember people and places that left them very happy or very sad even at a young age. If you agree with most statements above, you likely have a highly sensitive child (HSC). How can you support them in coping in our bustling world?
First, it’s best to start by showing understanding and acceptance. Validation is the most significant gift you can give to a highly sensitive child since their biggest struggle is feeling accepted for who they are. Then, tailor your parenting tactics in order to create a happy home and raise a sensitive but resilient child.
In this article:
Six common traits of highly sensitive children:
| 1. Overthinking |
| 2. Kind and eager to please |
| 3. Quickly overwhelmed |
| 4. Needs extra downtime |
| 5. Traditional discipline doesn’t work |
Eleven effective parenting tactics for raising a resilient highly sensitive child:
Let’s start with the beginning.
Six tell-tale signs that your child is an HSC
1. A highly sensitive child is an overthinker.
Many parents complain that their children act before they think. Sensitive children are the opposite – they overanalyze. Making decisions takes a long time since there are so many possibilities.
A child who processes things excessively also asks thoughtful questions, often using big words, says dr. Elaine Aron, Ph.D. who first studied high sensitivity.
Overthinking, however, can cause excessive worry, fear of being judged, and self-esteem issues. That’s why sensitive children have a hard time standing up for themselves in front of strangers. On the contrary, they let go of inhibition at home, which is their safe space.
Frequently, children who are overthinkers have a rich inner life. As adults, they will likely be wise, intuitive, and conscientious. In addition, their bright imagination and attention to detail can help them become artists, inventors, and writers.
2. A highly sensitive child will be kind and eager to please.
Sensing other people’s emotions poses no problems to sensitive kids. For example, they often cry when loved ones fight in front of them. What’s more, aggressive games are by no means their favorite pastime. Instead, you’ll likely find them hidden under their favorite blanket during a scary movie scene.
Sensitive children are highly attached to their parents. They are eager to please and concerned about doing things right. Without knowing, you may neglect them if you especially have younger kids. But sooner or later, a sensitive child’s self-control weakens if parents repeatedly ignore reconnecting attempts. They will become impulsive and have intense tantrums as their limbic brain takes the lead.
3. Sensitive children are slow-to-warm-up.
How many times did you sit at the edge of the playground waiting for your kid to warm up?
Highly sensitive children are hesitant in new situations but thrive with structure and routine. While shy with strangers, they are friendly and sweet around close family. A slow-to-warm-up kid also definitely prefers a heads-up to a surprise and a small playdate to a rainbow birthday party. Let them take the lead, and you’ll be surprised at how much they can do when they come out of their shell.
4. A stimulating environment quickly overwhelms them.
Does your kid cover their ears at the sound of tires squeaking? Do they make a face when they smell overripe bananas? Does sand between their toes make them stop on the sidewalk to take their shoes off and clean up the dirt?
Loud or sudden noises, crowds, strong odors, bright lights, sandy clothes overwhelm some kids. Though their coping methods may look like quirks on the outside, they are ways of adapting to the environment.
Here are some examples:
| Trigger | How a highly sensitive child behaves |
| More sensitive to physical pain than other children | Avoids risk (ex. swimming, heights) |
| Sensitive to textures | Prefers bland food Avoids food of certain consistencies Wants you to cut tags on clothing Dislikes itchy clothes (like wool clothing) |
| Sensitive to noise and bright lights | Complains about crowds, bustling places, birthday parties, busy playgrounds |
| Picks up social cues quickly (moods, body language, tension between people) | Doesn’t get in the mood during parties, especially where there are lots of strangers or people they don’t like Chooses friendly carefully Very selective about playmates |
5. A highly sensitive child needs extra downtime.
Lots of parents complain that their kid doesn’t get enough sleep. Thankfully, you are not probably one of them. Extra sensitive kids need plenty of downtime at the end of an overwhelming day. They enjoy playing alone, doing puzzles, painting, building blocks, listening to relaxing music, and going into nature.
Watching a movie doesn’t count as downtime because films contain many triggers: disturbing scenes, sudden noises, and bright lights.
6. Traditional discipline doesn’t work on a highly sensitive child.
Kids follow you when they feel connected. It’s even more true for sensitive kids who often feel rejected when they feel you don’t spend enough time together or when you disapprove of something they did. Their brain seeks meaningful relationships more than external rewards, so gentle guidance works best.
If you believe that your child is an HSC, read on to learn more about the ten most effective parenting tactics for raising emotionally healthy HSCs.
11 effective parenting tactics for raising a resilient HSC
1. Focus on raising the child you have.
The power of acceptance is a vital tool for raising kids that are happy with being themselves. We need to know our children and validate their emotions and struggles with compassionate curiosity.
Frequently, we struggle as parents because our expectations are not in line with our children’s behavior. A highly sensitive child’s strong reactions come with even more challenges for us. Therefore, accepting high sensitivity is an inborn trait our children will have all their lives is crucial for building a healthy connection.
2. Establish clear and consistent family rules.
When establishing family rules, you need to consider your child’s high sensitivity and triggers. Also, it would be best if you made sure that family rules are reasonable for everybody. Finally, as you are still the parent, guide the discussion while ensuring that everyone expresses their opinion.
For example, if noise frequently overwhelms your sensitive kid, have a rule that states that there should be no screen time in the morning before school.
3. Ensure smooth transitions for your highly sensitive child.
Overemotional children have issues with transitions because they can be unpredictable. They have a low tolerance threshold for uncertainty.
That is why you need to inform your kid what will happen and why in advance. Then, make sure they understand what comes next. For instance, if crowds trigger their anxiety, give a heads-up that there might be a lot of kids in the playground.
Also, explain how long the activity will last. You may also use visual times and give warnings ahead of time.
Here is an example:
“We agreed you’d play five minutes with that Lego and then give it to your sister. You have two minutes left, Buddy”.
As for younger children, a transition object like a favorite toy is usually enough to do the trick.
4. Reduce sensory overload.
If your kid frequently complains that their clothes are tickly, the air is hot, and the restaurant is overcrowded, establish strategies to help cope with the stimuli.
For instance, when going to a birthday party, bring earplugs if the music is too loud. Experience aromatherapy at home to make them familiar with more pungent smells. There is nothing more relaxing for some people than inhaling their favorite essential oil after a long day. If tags and seams are an issue, be sure to buy clothes that they find comfortable.
Eliminate or reduce stimuli that distract them from daily tasks at home. For example, if noise triggers them, avoid upbeat background music in the morning when they prepare for school, but put relaxing music on before bedtime.
What’s more, learn to stay calm and collected and keep a sense of humor. Your parenting attitude matters more than parenting tactics.
5. Create a worry monster.
A worry monster separates negative feelings from the child’s identity. Explain to your child that the monster is here to bully them, but they don’t have to listen to it.
Encourage your kid to pick a name and draw the monster. Then, hang it in a visible place in your house so that everyone sees that the beast is different from your child. Then, when anxiety, anger, or sadness set in, teach them to talk to the monster.
- “Hey, Mr. Perfect Sam, you are telling me that dropping the cake was bad. But everyone makes mistakes. I will not listen to you.”
- “Mr. Meanie, you are telling me that going to school without mom is bad, but I know she’s coming back. So I am not going to listen to you.”
6. Help your highly sensitive child identify their superpowers.
Quiet, sensitive kids have lots of gifts, so consider making a list of strengths and read it together when self-esteem is running low.
Here are a few examples:
- Trustworthy. Peers feel at ease around sensitive kids because they appear approachable and reliable.
- Active listeners. Others open up to them because they are good listeners and ask thoughtful questions.
- Calm. They usually remain composed in front of strangers, despite their inner turmoil, which has a calming effect on others.
- Cautious. A sensitive child will ponder a lot before acting, avoiding making rash decisions that they might later regret.
- Creative. They have a rich imagination and find out-of-the-box solutions.
7. Let your highly sensitive child join in when they are ready.
Support your slow-to-warm-up child as they take their time to join in at parties. Make a plan at home and discuss deal breakers for each of you. For instance, you want to greet people when you arrive, but you know your child doesn’t. So, one option would be to greet their best friends. Afterward, you can go and sit on a chair and talk about what you see around you (food, decorations, games the others play) until your child is ready to join their friends.
8. Avoid labeling your child.
Extra-judgment from more extroverted people is inevitable. Avoid, however, explaining your kid’s behavior and labeling them as shy, reserved, or quiet. They might overhear and feel embarrassed. Our goal should always be to make your child comfortable.
Here are a few phrases you could use when people become judgemental:
- No, Mikey is fine.
- No, Deb likes her quiet time.
- We’ll join you in a couple of minutes.
- She’s just thoughtful right now.
9. Use words of affirmation.
Create catchphrases with your kid to repeat when social situations become overwhelming. The most impactful phrases are short and easy to remember:
| I am kind. |
| I can breathe slowly. |
| I know how to be friendly. |
| I am confident. |
| I’m proud of myself. |
| I am brave. |
| I’ve got what it takes. |
| I am helpful. |
| My ideas are great. |
| I am calm. |
| Everything will be ok. |
| I am smart. |
| I’m a good listener. |
| I’ll try my best; it’s all I can do. |
| Other kids like me. |
| I believe in myself. |
| I can do better every day. |
| My ideas are great. |
| All I need to do is take the first step. |
| I can take quiet time when I need it. |
10. Don’t become overprotective.
Overprotective parents can distort a child’s perception of the world. Thus, micromanagement, sheltering, and taking on responsibilities on behalf of the child generally lead to overly dependent children.
You might argue that this is not overprotectiveness but a closer parent-child relationship. But despite our best intentions, this parenting approach makes it harder for kids to develop robust coping mechanisms.
A child, especially a highly sensitive one, who is not allowed to take risks, becomes overwhelmed when facing uncertainty. We need to have faith in their ability to overcome troubles and develop solutions.
11. Model calm and confident behavior.
Kids develop emotional resilience when they see us control our emotions in challenging situations. Act with deliberate calm and optimism when you or your kid feel overwhelmed so that they gain trust to face challenges. Remaining unruffled is hard because our brain circuits tell us to react with a fight, flight, or freeze response during stress.
How can you remain the calm leader your child needs? The key is connecting situational awareness (what is happening around you when your kid is having a crisis) to self-awareness (your thoughts and emotions). Make a bridge between your outer and your inner world. In this way, you will choose how to respond.
When we can’t control our reactions, kids don’t feel safe anymore. But if we remain hopeful and calm, they become resilient and face challenges more creatively.
Final thoughts
Parenting is the most demanding job most of us will have, and a highly sensitive child makes it even more difficult. However, with the right tools and attitude, all parents can learn to offer HSCs what they need to thrive.
References
Lionetti, F., Aron, A., Aron, E.N. et al. Dandelions, tulips and orchids: evidence for the existence of low-sensitive, medium-sensitive and high-sensitive individuals. Transl Psychiatry 8, 24 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-017-0090-6
Kaitlyn Bakker, Richard Moulding, Sensory-Processing Sensitivity, dispositional mindfulness and negative psychological symptoms, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 53, Issue 3, 2012, Pages 341-346, ISSN 0191-8869, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2012.04.006. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886912001717)
