“Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses.”
Marilyn vos Savant
The day Jeremy started preschool, he dove into a sea of shyness. Everything was intimidating. It took him six months to get over the intensity of saying goodbye to me at drop-off.
Meanwhile, his colleagues went to school as if nothing had changed in their lives. They ran merrily on the playground as if they owned the place. I was confused. Why was my boy having trouble, and they weren’t? They did the same activities and had the same teacher. So why was Jeremy so withdrawn when they had such a good time?
One year later, the answer came when I discovered “high sensitivity,” a character trait coined by research psychologist Elaine Aron about 25 years ago. Experts refer to it as sensory processing sensitivity (SPS).
An Aha Moment
I discovered that my 4-year old son was a highly sensitive child (HSC). Highly sensitive children are more intense due to how their central nervous system works. Because they quickly react to pain and pleasure, they get stressed more rapidly than their peers.
Discovering high sensitivity was an aha moment for me. I finally felt like there was nothing wrong with my son. I finally understood why he was such a fussy baby, why he always took longer to warm up when we visited friends and why he was reticent of adults who crossed his boundaries.
But I also felt it was extra hard to raise a highly sensitive child. It was draining at times. He needed extra quiet downtime, extra time to warm up at birthday parties, and extra time to adjust at preschool.
Still, high sensitivity is a trait, not a mental disorder, so it needs to have a bright side, too. So I went through all the articles I found online on highly sensitive children. They are creative, intuitive, empathetic, pick up on small details, and conscientious. But, unfortunately, while all these things sounded great, my child’s most significant difficulty – becoming easily dysregulated emotionally – outweighed the benefits. As time passed and I spent time analyzing Jeremy’s behavior through the lenses of my discovery, I realized high sensitivity does benefit my son. But his gifts were different from those mentioned in the articles I read. So here are the seven hidden gifts of highly sensitive children that I discovered in my son.
Highly Sensitive Children’s Hidden Gifts
1. Highly sensitive children are low maintenance.
Jeremy is the happiest when the four of us spend time together as a family, with no phones and tablets. He likes doing puzzles with me, playing board games, and goofing around with his father and younger brother. Additionally, going into nature soothes him immensely. He is capable of being on cloud nine all day long just because he spotted seven ladybugs crawling down a tree trunk.
These things don’t cost much and don’t require lots of scheduling. Enjoying the feeling of togetherness that a closely-knit family provides truly makes highly sensitive children happy. The Swedish even have a name for this. It’s called Hygge (pronounced “hoo∙guh”). Highly sensitive children feed their superpowers from simple hygge moments with their close ones.
2. Sensory sensitivity makes highly sensitive children appreciate the small things in life.
My son hates the seams of his socks and loathes the smell of bananas. But you know what?
He also adores the feel of warm clothes just out of the tumble dryer (especially on frosty mornings), gets filled with excitement at the smell of clove and cinnamon in gingerbread, and once told me his Paw Patrol sweater is fluffy and friendly.
3. Highly sensitive children know who to trust and choose their friends carefully.
Whenever we go on holiday or meet new people, Jeremy automatically knows who he can trust. While he is cautious at first – slow-to-warm-up, as more extroverted people would put it, he unmistakeably makes friends only with kind and empathetic children and adults. It’s like he has a radar for people who can cross his boundaries.
Highly sensitive children’s ability to pick on subtleties makes it easy for them to read other people. What’s more, their cautious nature and capacity to actively listen give them time to assess whether they can make friends with the other person.
4. Highly sensitive children want to understand and control their strong emotions.
Even though he is just four years old, my little guy is curious about emotions and knows to identify them (when he’s not having a meltdown, of course). I believe it’s the first step toward building emotional self-regulation. While he may not always control his reactions, Jeremy is aware of his thoughts and feelings.
However, his strong self-awareness comes hand in hand with the tendency to overthink. For example, when he fights with friends or his teacher draws his attention in class, he may take it extremely personally and remain sad for the rest of the day.
What has helped us is teaching him that all emotions are temporary. What’s more, we frequently remind Jeremy that it’s normal to feel sad or angry sometimes. As a result, he has improved at observing his negative feelings without suppressing them immediately.
5. Highly sensitive children have a great memory.
At three and a half years, Jeremy knew half of the Cars 3 picture book by heart. I had read it to him so many evenings that he could recite half of it word by word at one point. It was amazing to hear him say words like “aerodynamic” and “metal composite.”
As another example, he vividly remembers times when he felt strong emotions even though he was very young. For instance, he remembers how we celebrated the 4th of July when he was two and a half years old.
I believe great memory is a direct consequence of being highly sensitive. A prerequisite for having a great memory, I think, is to pay attention. We know HSCs notice small details, from the place of every object to the emotional atmosphere in a room full of people. They are overwhelmed easily by sounds, smells, and visual detail, making them pay complete attention and absorb a vast amount of knowledge.
6. Highly sensitive children can be very passionate about their hobbies.
Jem’s first love was Hot Wheels. He likes playing with trucks and race cars, naming the make of every vehicle we pass, doing car puzzles, watching car races, and helping his dad out with our family car.
I believe it’s common for sensitive children like Jeremy to become very passionate about something. For starters, their nervous system allows them to feel emotions more intensely. Secondly, they have an innate attention to detail and curiosity and a rich imagination on top. They thus have what it takes to put in the necessary work to learn from their hobbies, and why not, at one point, earn from their hobbies.
7. Highly sensitive children want to find meaning.
Finding inner meaning is significant for our quirky and bright children. At the tender age of four, my son is now obsessed with questions like “How did people appear on our planet?” “Who are God’s parents?” and “Why did people eat mammoths? Couldn’t they eat soup instead?”.
Additionally, he is deeply troubled about other people’s suffering, especially other children. For instance, if he hears a disturbing news story on the radio, like a car crash, he will likely ask questions about it for a whole week (“Is that child on the radio okay now? Have his parents found him? Has he gotten out of hospital now?”).
Sensitive children care greatly about suffering, social injustice, animals, plants, the planet, basically anything that can’t defend itself. Their empathy and search for purpose can help them become game-changers in adulthood.
Final thoughts
Perhaps you see your child in some of the gifts I described. But, more importantly, I hope you can perceive their high sensitivity and brightness as a gift. For me, discovering the secret strengths of my son showed me that he can handle the world despite his challenges.
I am no longer asking myself why other kids are bubblier and whether my son will manage in our extrovert society, for he will find his path. My job is to accept and love him for who he is.
References
Aron, E. N., & Aron, A. (1997). Sensory-processing sensitivity and its relation to introversion and emotionality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 345–368. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.2.345
