You just got everyone ready for a park playdate! Your kid excitedly planned to play tag with their best friend from school, and you already pictured yourself enjoying coffee and chats with the other parent while they play.

But then you get a phone call. The other kid can’t make it. You break the news to your child, and bam! Cheeks flushed red, full-blown frustration mode. What just happened? They see their friend tomorrow anyway, at school! It’s not a huge deal, right? So why does it feel like the world is ending for them?

You try to comfort your kid immediately: “I’m sorry, buddy. We’ll get some ice cream! It’s going to be great!”

But then you realize….

Cushioning the blow won’t solve the problem of them not adjusting to the change in plans (or not even trying) because they’re stuck feeling frustrated and can’t move on.

You want your child to be more adaptable and to give them confidence that everything’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t go according to plan.

But how? In this article, you’ll be learning exactly that.

Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids

Children with low frustration tolerance are often highly reactive, struggle with negative self-talk, and often blame others when something goes wrong.

Common signs of low frustration tolerance in kids include:

Emotional signs:

• Frequent outbursts and tantrums
• Excessive anger and irritability
• Difficulty tolerating negative emotions like disappointment, anger, and sadness
• Low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Behavioral signs:

• Giving up easily
• Lashing out at others and blaming others
• Avoiding challenging situations
• Clinging or dependent behavior, needing constant reassurance
• Resisting rules and arguing frequently
• Perfectionism: difficulty accepting mistakes
• Inflexibility: difficulty adapting to changes in plans
• Struggles with friendships due to difficulty managing intense emotions and conflicts
• Regressive behaviors: reverting to thumb sucking or bedwetting when stressed.

What Causes Low Frustration Tolerance in Kids

1. Emotional regulation difficulties

When emotions overwhelm us, we cannot access the rational, thinking part of the brain. This happens often to young children, and also to highly sensitive and neurodivergent children who can go from 0 to 100 in one second.

Underlying conditions like ADHD, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, pathological demand avoidance or specific learning difficulties can cause low frustration tolerance.

2. Inflexible thinking

Inflexible thinking can make kids see situations in extremes, like “good” or “bad”, or “all or nothing”.  Just like the child in our example.

Unfortunately, this thinking pattern leaves little room for compromise. Imagine a child who keeps saying “I want to watch that movie” even after you agreed that it’s not their turn to pick the movie. Not being able to control the outcome makes them feel helpless and frustrated.

3. Sensory sensitivities

Do you know that feeling when your house is a mess, your children are screaming, and there’re toys spread all over the living room floor? That feeling of irritability is related to sensory overload. It’s hard to stay calm in those moments.

It’s the same for sensory-avoidant children. Sensory overload can thin out their patience and make them feel frustrated.

6 Strategies To Help Kids Manage Low Frustration Tolerance

1. Don’t try to fix it

Whenever your child gets frustrated, don’t try to fix it. Give them a few minutes to calm down, then have a chat. Mirror their feelings (“I can’t do anything right!” -> “You feel like you can’t do anything right, are you sad?”)

Then, listen as they open up and tell them you feel like that sometimes, too. Remember that kids don’t need us to fix them; they need someone to understand their feelings.

But sometimes, kids don’t open up. They may feel like their feelings or failures make them too vulnerable, and they may feel shame. Try to build more special one-on-one time into your daily routine. The more you bond, the higher the chances they’ll want you to help them process their feelings.

2. Build coping skills for low frustration tolerance

Without knowing healthy ways to deal with frustration, kids might resort to unhealthy mechanisms like yelling, throwing things, or avoiding challenging situations. For example, a 10-year-old struggling with math may refuse to complete assignments or have angry outbursts during homework.

You’ll find below ten healthy coping skills ideas that you can use as a conversation starter. Print the infographic and discuss it with your child when they’re calm. For instance, you can ask them to pick three coping skills they’d like to try.

Positive affirmations are also essential for developing frustration tolerance. When faced with challenges, kids often engage in negative self-talk, like “I’m bad at this” or “I’ll never get it right.” Repeating a daily mantra with them in the morning or the evening before bedtime is a great way to remind them of their self-worth.

Download our FREE ”Positive Affirmations” coloring poster. You can print this poster and hang it in your child’s room or their calming corner. It’s a great way to teach them the importance of self-confidence and resilience. Check it out:

3. Create routines and predictable environments

“You promised we’d go to the park today!”

“Why are you going to your friend’s house instead? I don’t want to go there. I don’t like your friends!”

You can prevent this sort of outbursts with a predictable routine. In addition, informing your kid about the change in plans helps them mentally prepare for what’s next.

Offering choices also give a sense of control (“We can’t go to the park today. I know you were looking forward to it. But we need to go to Grandma’s instead. Do you want us to stop and get a snack on the way, or do you want us to head directly there?”

4. Plan ahead before challenging situations

Create a strategy for tricky events like family gatherings to ensure a smooth transition. For older kids, create an exit plan together before attending the event.

For younger kids, get playful and try, “Let’s pretend we are magicians and become invisible.” Then, stage your exit.

5. Offer opportunities for your child to practice patience

Patience is a learned skill. When your child is feeling calm, try something that is mildly challenging. This could be solving a puzzle, waiting in line, or working on a school project. The idea is to give the child the opportunity to practice their patience. This will also offer you the chance to help them reframe negative thinking.

6. Teach problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills

Kids with low frustration tolerance often have big emotions that are hard to manage. That’s why friendships and school life can be challenging for them.

Our FREE “Patch It Up” poster has easy coping tools to help your child overcome peer conflicts. Check it out:

3 Tips For Parents To Manage Low Frustration Tolerance

1. Learn To Stay Calm

Most of us feel like yelling back when our child is pushing our buttons. But this rarely leads to something positive (and you probably know that already!). So, instead, shift the focus from your child’s behavior to yourself. Take a deep breath or do a short five senses check-in exercise to keep your cool. And remember, your child’s frustration is not about you, it’s not your fault and you’re not the only parent trying to figure this out. Here are more tips on how to remain mindful through your child’s big feelings.

2. Don’t let frustration define your child

When kids get easily frustrated, it’s tough for everyone. However, don’t let frustration define them.

For younger kids, it helps to look at frustration like a temporary visitor, maybe like a grumpy fairy named Miss Frustration. When she shows up, instead of saying, “You’re always grumpy?” try, “Uh oh, looks like Miss Frustration is visiting again! What can we do to send her away?”

This strategy helps your child see frustration as something temporary they can overcome, not something defining them.

For older kids, you’ll find in the infographic below 12 helpful phrases to say to your child when they struggle with frustration:

3. Consider a slower schedule for your child

If you feel that you’ve tried everything, but your child is continually on edge, perhaps something needs to change in their life. They may need a slower schedule and more quiet time throughout the day. Spending more time in nature and having fewer after-school activities can also help children who struggle with overstimulation.

Dealing with less overall stress can help sensitive kids cope better with frustration.

Remember, you’ve got this!

Are your kids always interrupting, asking you to watch everything they do, or just generally making things a bit tough? It happens to all of us!

Children aren’t trying to push our buttons in those moments. They are seeking connection. 

But what if you offer lots of attention and they want more and more?

Here’s how to teach children to entertain themselves.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

1.      Quality versus Quantity

To teach children to entertain themselves, you first have to make sure that their emotional cup is full.

#1. Schedule one-on-one special time each day

Even 15-20 minutes of undivided attention can make a big difference. Here are some fun one-on-one activities for tired parents and energetic kids:

Creative Play:

• Play-Doh fun: Mold silly creatures, build structures, or have a color-mixing competition.
• Draw me anything: Challenge each other to draw funny pictures based on silly prompts.
• DIY craft: Choose a simple project like finger painting, mandala coloring, or popsicle stick crafts.

Active Play:

• Indoor treasure hunt: Hide small treats or clues around the house and let your child be the pirate or detective searching for them.
• Fort building: Grab blankets, pillows, and chairs to build a cozy fort. Read stories, snuggle, or tell jokes inside.
• Balloon stomp: Blow up some balloons and have a playful stomping race while trying not to pop them.

Relaxing Activities:

• Cuddle and read: Find a comfy spot, snuggle up, and take turns reading stories.
• Puzzles together: Choose a colorful puzzle and work on it together.
• Nature walk: Head outside, observe the surroundings, and collect leaves or pebbles.
• Peaceful massage: Take turns giving each other gentle hand or foot massages. You can also try EFT tapping – read more here.

#2. Make special time about them

Let them choose the activity during scheduled one-on-one time. If they choose activities that take longer or you don’t feel up to, ask them to give you three options. Or if they insist, you can suggest doing the longer activity on the weekend.

It would be best if you collaborated so that everyone feels heard. This is also a perfect opportunity for your child to learn social and negotiation skills.

#3. Use visual schedules and timers for special time

Create a weekly visual schedule (or daily for toddlers) where they can see when they’ll have one-on-one time.

Timers can make waiting more fun. You can also use timers if your child gets impatient. Many kids, especially highly sensitive ones, get overly excited simply from anticipating something.

Similarly, you can use visual schedules and timers to encourage children to entertain themselves. For example, you can have a timer for independent play and for age-appropriate chores, too, as long as the kids think it’s fun.

#4. Set clear expectations ahead of time

Explain kindly and firmly that you can’t be available every moment, as much as you want to. (“Mommy/Daddy needs some time to unwind sometimes, just like you need time to play with your friends.”)

You can also emphasize the benefit of self-care: “When I take a break, I can come back feeling refreshed and ready to spend time with you!”

Then, offer alternatives: “While I’m taking a break, you can choose a book to read, build with Legos, or draw a picture.”

#5. “Bonus time” deal

If your child wants more special time after your one-on-one activity, consider discussing a “bonus time” deal. For example, if your little one begs for more tag, say, “If you want ten extra minutes of tag, you need to help me out first.” Then, suggest something positive they can do while you get a breather, like finishing a favorite puzzle or setting the table. If they complete their mini-task, give them those extra minutes of fun. But if they forget their promise, gently explain that extra play depends on keeping their word. This teaches responsibility and makes future negotiations smoother.

2. Encourage Independence

#1. Assign small chores

Age-appropriate chores can give a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence. To make chores fun, add some silly music or turn chores into a race. Also, consider giving a list of chores to choose from to give your child a sense of control.

Deeply feeling and neurodivergent kids are sensitive to criticism. Hence, it’s better to celebrate effort and progress when they help with chores. Remember, the aim is to keep the kids busy.

#2. Create a sensory corner for children to entertain themselves

Offer a variety of games and materials that encourage children to entertain themselves. In addition, rotate materials every week so there’s always something new and exciting. Also, involve the kids in choosing the items for their calming/sensory corner.

Here are our suggestions for building a calming and sensory corner/toolbox for children to entertain themselves:

• Visual: lava lamp, pictures and posters of calming landscapes, fidget spinners, glitter jars, sensory bottles filled with sensory beads and glitter, posters with calming and mindfulness activities or yoga poses for kids
• Touch: weighted blanket, play dough, slime, stress balls, squishy toys, feathers, wood blocks, water beads
• Hearing: calming music, nature play, white noise, wind chimes, headphones for listening to music or an audiobook
• Smell: lavender or vanilla playdough (you can make your own by adding some lavender essential oil to your playdough), scented play sand (mix kinetic sand with ground spice like cinnamon or nutmeg), spice jars filled with cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg
• Vestibular: small trampoline, indoor swing.

One way to teach children to entertain themselves with a calming corner is to set up a daily routine. For example, kids use the calming and sensory corner each morning after breakfast.

#3. Play together, then encourage children to entertain themselves

Start play sessions together, then gradually guide them towards solo activities while you’re nearby for support. Stay within earshot, offer smiles and gentle guidance while keeping it short.

Remember, children learn to entertain themselves through practice. The more opportunities they have to play independently, the better they’ll get.

3. Discover Unmet Needs

#1. Learn your child’s emotional and sensory triggers

Children often can’t get enough of their caregivers because they need to bond with us to feel loved. Ask yourself if any recent changes in your child’s life (new sibling, school difficulties, family conflicts) might be causing anxiety and seeking comfort.

You can also start tracking behavior. Notice the situations and triggers that lead to increased attention-seeking. Does it happen when you’re busy, distracted, or about to leave? Did your child used to love to play independently and now they don’t?

Moreover, think about whether your child can express emotions and needs effectively. If not, attention-seeking might be their way of communicating. In this case, you might need to teach them about the different types of emotions and how we can healthily express them (for example, using “I feel…when…” statements). If they struggle to verbalize, offer alternative ways to express themselves, like drawing, writing, or role-playing.

Also, consider sensory processing needs and ADHD. Neurodivergent children may crave extra stimulation due to the different wiring of their brains. Consider talking to a healthcare professional for evaluation.

If you feel that your child has sensory sensitivities, check out our 8 Sensory Cheat Sheets Free Printable. You can download it here.

#2. Get those feelings out

Talk openly about their feelings to find out why they don’t like to entertain themselves. Click the link to check our FREE Feelings Check-In Cards, which you can use as a Conversation Starter!

Highly sensitive children may reject you when you try to talk it out. Shutting down doesn’t mean however, that children don’t need connection. Some ways to help them process their feelings are:

• Share personal experiences without referencing their own situation so they don’t feel like their emotions overwhelm them again (“I remember when I was your age, my sister did this thing and I felt really mad. I learned that….Anyway do you want a snack?”). Keep it casual and neutral and let them decide if they want to open up to you. Our job is just to show them that we’re there for them. If they have an avoidant style, they may want to go back into their shell instead of sharing uncomfortable feelings. Give them time.
• Read stories about emotions your child relates to.
• Get playful: when everyone’s calm, play feelings charades games (click here to get our Feelings Charade FREE Printable), or create stories where characters go through challenging experiences.

Take-Home Message

Kids seek connection the best they know how, even if it pushes our buttons sometimes. And seeing the child beyond the behavior is crucial for them to thrive.

But let’s face it: we can’t always be superheroes. There are days when multiple little hands are reaching for us, plus work, friends, and, yes, even our sanity to consider.

Doing our best is what matters; honestly, that can look different on different days. Some days, it’s hours of playtime, while other days, it’s acknowledging their need for connection and setting limits with compassion. And guess what? That’s okay!

Doing our best is enough. We are enough. Full stop.

For example, if your daughter played alone at recess, she may decide that she doesn’t have any friends and that nobody likes her. If she struggles with subtraction by regrouping, she may insist that she is not good at math and that she hates it.

Everyone has negative thoughts. Talking ourselves down isn’t unusual. However, negative thoughts that make us miss out on opportunities, can lead to anxiety and depression.

Before we continue, we thought you might like the Overcome Negative Thinking FREE Printable. This freebie can help you address the negative mindset that hinders your child’s friendships, homework struggles and school engagement. In addition, it can also help you discover unconscious negative thinking patterns that you engage in.

What Are Negative Thinking Patterns?

We all have negative thoughts sometimes, even kids. But when these thoughts become frequent, intense, and start to impact their daily lives, we’re talking about negative thinking patterns. These patterns can be like stuck records, influencing how kids see themselves, the world, and their future.

What Are Some Signs That Your Child Has Negative Thinking Patterns?

Typical signs of negative thinking include a negative outlook, excessive worry, self-criticism, and constant focus on flaws or mistakes (the child’s or other people’s).

How Negative Thinking Patterns Influence Emotions and Behavior

Negative Thinking patterns can fuel negative emotions: we believe our negative thoughts and then we react with anger, fear or sadness. These emotions reinfornce, in turn, the negative thoughts, creating a vicious cycle.

Moreover, negative thinking prophecies fuel self-fulfilling prophecies. When a child with a negative mindset believes something bad is going to happen, they may do nothing to prevent it, which makes the thing they fear happen. In other words, they self-sabotage themselves by doing things that confirm their negative beliefs, instead of doing their best.

Negativity can also strain your child’s relationships with friends, family and teachers, and can chip away their self-confidence.

How Do Negative Thinking Patterns Develop?

Some kids might be more likely to have negative thought patterns just because of their genes. This doesn’t mean it’s set in stone!

Tough experiences like neglect, abuse, or scary things can also make them feel worried and see the world negatively.

As they learn and grow, some children might go through bad experiences that make them think negatively about themselves or things around them.

In addition, seeing adults or friends struggle with negative thoughts, low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression  can make them develop a negative outlook. That can happen, for example, when children are highly sensitive and they absorb other people’s emotions like a sponge.

Moreover, kids who are highly sensitive might worry more because they have strong emotions and process information more deeply. That can make them get stuck in negative thoughts more easily.

Negative thinking patterns also develop when children are comparing themselves to others, especially with peers who are popular on social networks or with people on TV. That can make them feel bad about themselves.

10 Types Of Negative Thinking Patterns In Children

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Viewing situations as either completely good or completely bad, with no room for shades of gray. Example: “I got one question wrong on the test, so I’m a terrible student.”
2. Overgeneralization: Drawing sweeping conclusions based on one or few negative experiences. Example: “I lost the game, so I’m always going to lose at everything.”
3. Mental filtering: Focusing only on negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive ones. Example: “My friend didn’t invite me to her party, so nobody likes me.”
4. Disqualifying the positive: Rejecting positive experiences or compliments due to negative self-belief. Example: “My teacher said I did well, but she’s probably just trying to be nice.”
5. Catastrophizing: Jumping to the worst-case scenario without evidence. Example: “If I don’t make the soccer team, I’ll have no friends and everyone will think I’m a loser.”
6. Mind reading: Assuming that they know what others are thinking without any evidence, often in a negative way. Example: “My mom is looking at me funny, she must be mad at me.”
7. Emotional reasoning: Believing that your feelings accurately reflect reality. Example: “I feel stupid, therefore I must be stupid.”
8. Labelling: Placing negative labels on themselves or others based on a single event or characteristic. Example: “I’m such a failure” or “They’re mean.”
9. Should Statements: Holding rigid expectations for themselves and others, leading to guilt and frustration when they’re not met. Example: “I should be able to do this perfectly.”
10. Personalization: Taking responsibility for negative events even when they have little or no control. Example: “It’s my fault my friend is upset.”

How to Help Your Child Overcome Negative Thinking Patterns

1. Be A Detective

First, listen actively to their worries and concerns. Ask questions to understand their perspective and validate their feelings. Don’t dismiss them as “silly” or “unimportant.” Instead, be a detective, helping them identify the root of the negative thought. Is it fear of failure, worry about fitting in, or something else?

2. Gently Challenge Your Child’s Negative Thinking Patterns

Once you understand the thought, gently challenge it. Ask them if it’s always true. Are there other ways to look at the situation? Encourage them to use evidence to support their thinking. For example, if they say they’re “bad at math,” remind them of times they grasped a concept or solved a problem.

3. Help Your Child See Themselves As Separate From Their Thoughts

A great way to help your child overcome negative thinking patterns is to give names to the kinds of negative thoughts your child has. This is a way to show the child that they can push these thoughts away.

For example, if your child is prone to personalization (feeling responsible when something bad happens), have your child name this kind of thoughts (for example, Fault Thoughts). Then you can say, “Sounds like Mr. Fault Thoughts is making you feel worried. We don’t have to listen to Mr. Fault Thoughts. We can tell Mr. Fault Thoughts that they are wrong.”

4. Reframe Negative Thoughts Into More Positive Ones

After identifying the negative thoughts and talking about whether they are true or not, you can now help your child reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Talk about events that led to negative thoughts and then reframe it by saying something positive (“Ugh, you didn’t get to choose the movie today. But you can pick one next time” or “It wasn’t your turn to pick the movie tonight, but you got to choose the snack.”)

Another option is to turn “should” into “can do”. Instead of “I should be able to do this easily” teach your child to say, “”This is challenging, but I can put in the effort and learn to do it.”.

Adding perspective always helps, too. Instead of: “I’m the unluckiest person in the world”, teach your child to put things into perspective, “Maybe today isn’t going my way, but tomorrow will be a brighter day.”

5. Encourage Positive Self-talk

Positive self-talk can boost your child’s confidence which, in turn, can help them develop a more positive outlook.

Instead of “I’ll never be good at this,” try “I’m learning and getting better every day.” Positive affirmations like “I am smart,” “I am capable,” and “I believe in myself” can also be powerful tools.

6. Equip Your Child With Tools To Overcome Their Negative Thinking Patterns

Teach them coping mechanisms to manage negative thoughts. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing or focusing on the present moment can calm their minds. Creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playing music can help them express their emotions and release tension.

7.  Celebrate Progress

Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts, not just their results. Did they overcome a fear? Did they try a new approach? Let them know you’re proud of their progress, no matter how small. This boosts their confidence and encourages them to keep trying.

8. Encourage Healthy Friendships And Be Supportive

Spending time with friends triggers the release of oxytocin, also called the “love hormone”. Oxytocin has been shown to calm down the nervous system and reduces negative thoughts. Similarly, a supportive family, where the child feels free of judgment and criticism, helps reduce negative thought patterns and boosts self-confidence.

Did you imagine parenting to be much easier?

Do you worry that you’re a bad mom?

If you are overwhelmed by parenting, know that you are not alone. According to Pew Research, about 41% of people say raising kids is tiring, and about 1 in 3 parents say that parenting is stressful all or most of the time.

Parenting is even more tiring if you also have a child who is easily frustrated and melts downs seemingly out of nowhere.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

A lot of parental stress involves us feeling guilty that we have failed our kids and doubting our parenting style. But remember that perfect parents don’t exist and that this quest for perfection is harmful to our mental health. Moreover, a parent struggling with mental health issues, like burnout, anxiety and depression, can’t help a dysregulated child.

What happens if you‘re overwhelmed by parenting and you ignore your needs

Mom burnout can lead to depression and anxiety.  It can also make us yell more at our kids and not be as patient. If you are overwhelmed by parenting, slowing down and taking care of yourself is essential.

5 Strategies To Remain Calm Through a Meltdown

1. Change your perspective: tricky behaviors are signs of an unmet need

The way we see bad behavior shapes how our children behave.

When your child has a meltdown, it’s not because they’re being bad or because you’re a bad parent. It’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed, either emotionally or sensory-wise. Unlike tantrums, which are intentional behaviors, meltdowns are involuntary reactions to overload.

Meltdowns are a way for more sensitive children to express their intense emotions. It’s crucial to understand that your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time; they’re genuinely struggling to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Sensitive kids also have lots of outbursts (which are not necessarily meltdowns) out of sheer frustration and because they can’t handle disappointment. If we understand that their outbursts are a way of communicating unmet needs, we can help them express themselves in a more healthy way.

For example, instead of taking away privileges when a child is acting out, we can help them calm down by teaching them coping strategies (when they are calm) like taking a break, listening to music, or hugging a stuffed animal. When we show our children that we care about their feelings and want to help them, they’re more likely to learn how to manage frustration and disappointment in a healthy way. And as they learn to do this, they’re also more likely to become more cooperative and less likely to have outbursts.

The bottom line is that our kids’ meltdowns are not a sign of bad parenting. Remember that next time you feel overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive or differently wired kid.

2. Focus on yourself not on stopping the meltdown

Our role is to remain a kind and calm leader. How can you do that when you feel overwhelmed by parenting an explosive child?

One way is to shift the focus from what’s happening around you to yourself. Your job is not to stop the meltdown but to remain kind and calm throughout the meltdown.

When you feel like you’re about to burst, ask yourself these three questions (you may not be able to do this the first time, but the more you try, the better you’ll become):

#1. How will I feel about this problem tomorrow? Next week? Next year?

Our struggles nearly always ease with time. The sun always comes up tomorrow, as they say.

#2. Is this problem permanent?

A lot of children outgrow their meltdowns. But if you have a highly sensitive child, perhaps with a neurodivergence diagnosis, then your child will probably not outgrow their strong emotions on their own. But with your help, they can learn healthy coping skills to deal with those feelings. That means that their meltdowns will eventually reduce with the right help.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by your child’s meltdowns, remember the power of “yet”:

• “My child hasn’t yet learned how to cope with their big feelings.”
• “I haven’t yet learned to remain calm during meltdowns.”

#3. Am I or my child in real danger?

Our brains are programmed to react instantly to danger. It’s how we survived when there were real threats around. But in the modern world, there are fewer real dangers. So when you feel overwhelmed by something, take a deep breath and think about if it’s really a problem or if it’s just in your head. If it’s a problem, break it down into smaller parts. You can deal with some parts now and some another time.

3. Don’t add more stimulation

When highly sensitive kids feel overwhelmed, they usually need a quiet place to calm down. If their room is sensory-friendly, that’s perfect. If not, find a quiet spot away from distractions. Instead of asking them open-ended questions like “What’s wrong?”, try more supportive ones like “Do you want a hug?” or “Can I sit here with you?”.

Open-ended questions can be overwhelming, so it’s better to focus on connection and to use short “yes/no” questions.

Don’t try to control the situation; let it happen. This will help you stay calm and take the pressure off your child. Be kind and let them know you love them and want to be there for them.

4. Connect the way your child wants and needs

Try to offer support throughout the meltdown the way your child wants and needs: some kids want hugs and kisses to co-regulate, while others want space.

If your child tells you to go away during the meltdown: Sensitive kids internalize often and may avoid talking about their feelings because they are so big and overwhelming. Showing empathy (“How are you feeling, buddy? You seem upset.”) doesn’t always work with these kids. How can you get through to them?

If this is your child, try this: share a personal story that resonates with their current experience (“I remember when I was [child’s age], this thing happened to me….”). Tell them how you coped with that challenge and how it helped you grow. Let your child lead the conversation and avoid making any reference to their experience unless they want to open up.

A quick tip: Do something relaxing together, and then start the conversation. You might try drawing, baking, working on a puzzle, or taking a walk.

5. Give yourself space to express your feelings, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by parenting a sensitive kid

Having to deal with our child’s big feelings and remain calm is hard. Remember that writing, drawing, and painting are powerful ways to cope with stress. Once your feelings are on paper, they don’t seem so overwhelming, like when they were just random thoughts in your mind. Moreover, reviewing your old journal entries or drawings is a great way to reflect on how much you’ve accomplished along the way.

There are many ways in which we can express our feelings, besides writing and journaling: some people like sports, spending time outdoors, playing with a pet, doing yoga, playing video games, or doing volunteer work. We are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all calming strategy for an overwhelmed parent. Just remember to take it slow and find ways to release tension in a healthy way. You’ve got this!

Deeply feeling children often react like this. Their emotions run deep and they can get fixated on them. In this example, the child felt alone and isolated, and these feelings lingered in their mind. When they arrived home, blurting out those words was their way of reaching out for help in processing their feelings.

Unfortunately, these big feelings can make sensitive kids struggle with friendships.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Highly Sensitive Child checklist for FREE. This checklist can help you find out whether your child is highly sensitive or deeply feeling, identify their triggers, and find out their strengths which can help build their self-confidence.

Why do deeply feeling children have a hard time making friends?

Here are some common problems deeply feeling children may face when dealing with friends:

1. Deeply feeling children are emotionally intense

Sensitive children go from 0 to 60 in a second. And this doesn’t happen just when they are angry. It can happen when they feel joyful, sad, worried, or disappointed.

These powerful emotional situations imprint on our brains. Think of this as a defense or survival mechanism.

The fact that a child get easily overwhelmed by their emotions,  can make them avoid situations or friends that hurt them in the past.

In addition, intense emotions can make them resistant to change. Just the thought of having to get used to a new environment and to new people can make a deeply feeling child feel wary about changing schools and making new friends.

Lastly, remember that strong emotions can make even the best of us make poor behavioral choices. This happens often to deeply feeling children. Unfortunately, some of their reactions can make their peers act mean or keep their distance. For example, a child who cries easily may get reactions like “We don’t want to play with you because you cry whenever you don’t have your way.”

2. Deeply feeling children struggle with conflicts and compromise and have a more inflexible thinking

Solving conflicts and making compromises is difficult. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had wars, right?

A deeply feeling, emotionally immature child, can have an even harder time than peers when navigating conflicts. There are a number of reasons:

• Emotional intensity
• Low frustration tolerance
• Difficulty speaking up for themselves
• Fear of criticism and rejection
• Not wanting to hurt others because they know how much they hurt when a friend acts mean.

3. Introverted and sensitive kids may struggle asserting themselves when out in the world

Deeply feeling children often have trouble saying “no” to things they don’t want to do or standing up for themselves when they are treated unfairly by friends (that may not be the case at home, though). They may also find it hard to express their opinions when they are different from those of the group or when setting boundaries.

This attitude has several reasons: fear of criticism, avoiding conflicts, or hurting other people’s feelings.

4. Deeply feeling children may prefer independent play

Deeply feeling children might find it hard to fit in with the typical way kids play and have fun. On the one hand, sensitive introverts might prefer quieter and independent activities and not enjoy the loud and competitive games that other kids like. This can make them feel like they don’t belong.

On the other hand, extroverted and sensitive kids tend to be demanding and easily frustrated when things don’t go as they expected. This is due to their more inflexible thinking. As a consequence, these kids may end up playing independently because they get into conflict often with other kids. For example, a child might want to play a certain game with other kids, but they want to make the rules alone, without others making suggestions. Then, when other kids don’t follow the rules to a t, a sensitive and extroverted kid might burst out in frustration.

5. Deeply feeling children are often afraid of being judged

Deep-feeling kids often have self-esteem issues. As a result, they may worry about being judged or misunderstood by other kids. They might feel like they’re different and that their friends won’t like them if they show their true selves. This can make them feel nervous about socializing and making new friends, especially if they are introverts.

6. Kids have trouble seeing things from other people’s points of view

Children under seven or eight generally are more egocentric, which means they may struggle seeing a friend’s perspective. In addition, when our emotions are running high, most of us can’t see someone else’s opinion as valid. This can lead to misunderstandings, unfortunately, and can happen often to deep feelers.

For example, a child may think a friend doesn’t like them when, in fact, their friend didn’t want to do what they were doing. On the one hand, they may be too emotionally immature to think of all the possibilities why their friend doesn’t want to play together. On the other hand, deep feelers can also feel hugely disappointed by their friend’s words. This kind of situation can make a deep feeling child feel sad all day, while a child who is not highly sensitive will bounce back right away.

How To Help Deeply Feeling Children With Friendships

Despite these challenges, deeply feeling children have much to offer in friendships. They are often empathetic, kind, and insightful. Here are some tips for helping sensitive children build friendships:

1. Be supportive

It can feel hard to see your child hanging onto you, saying, “Let’s play together! I don’t want to play with other kids,” when other children don’t seem to have a problem joining into play. Many of us blurted out impatiently, “Why don’t you just go play?” and immediately regretted it when we saw the sadness on our child’s face.

The truth is that pushing a deeply feeling child to behave a certain way doesn’t work. It results in meltdowns and other tricky behaviors.

You can provide support by simply showing empathy when they have a hard time with friends (“I see that greeting kids that you don’t know can be scary.”) and encourage them to take some risks (“But what if they like the same games as you and you can have a wonderful time playing tag? Who doesn’t like tag?”).

2. Find group activities that deeply feeling children enjoy

Ask your child what clubs or team sports they’d like to join. If they say “no” to every suggestion you make, ask them if they’d consider attending classes if they go with a friend. If they say yes, consider taking them to a class their friend is also taking or organizing playdates with kids already in a class your child would like to attend.

If organizing playdates takes you out of your comfort zone, remember that your child will also be out of their comfort zone.

Remember to start small. It’s essential to take small steps and increase exposure gradually. So, signing your child up for several after-school activities at once or organizing playdates too often can overwhelm them. And once the stress response is activated, you’ll notice more tricky behaviors, like outbursts, low frustration, defiance, or even increased sensory sensitivity).

3. Don’t let them avoid social interaction

It’s okay for kids to feel nervous when meeting new people. But, avoiding things that make deeply feeling children feel anxious will only make their anxiety worse in the long run. It’s like hiding from a scary monster: the more you avoid it, the bigger and scarier it seems.

Instead of letting their shyness keep a sensitive child from doing things, try to find ways to face their fears gradually. Even small steps can help them build confidence and overcome anxiety.

4. Teach them conflict resolution

Let’s face it, conflict is inevitable: from toy squabbles to friend drama, conflict can leave kids (and adults) feeling frustrated and upset. That’s why teaching kids effective conflict resolution skills is essential.

And guess what? Teaching conflict resolution doesn’t have to be boring. In fact, it can be quite enjoyable!

Here is our Patch It Up! Poster with nine conflict resolution tools for kids. Download the Patch It Up! Poster for FREE. You can print it out and hang it in your calm down corner or homeschooling corner.

5. Teach deeply feeling children to speak up

Children who feel things deeply sometimes struggle to assert themselves. They might not want to cause others pain, or they might fear judgment. Others might simply freeze up and remain silent, due to the delicate wiring of their nervous systems.

Whatever the cause, teaching them to express themselves confidently can be immensely beneficial. One way to do so is to have them practice speaking scripts at home (practicing in front of a mirror or role-playing can both be effective).

6. Help your deeply feeling child develop stress coping skills

Deeply feeling children may feel overwhelmed in social situations or when interacting with new people. Help them develop coping strategies, such as:

• The power of “yet”:  replace “I don’t know how to do this” with “I don’t know how to do this YET.”
• Have a short quiet break and take three deep breaths
• Sensory activities: squeezing a stress ball, noise-canceling headphones, 1-2-3 senses check-in.

7. Foster self-esteem

Developing a positive self-image is essential, and you can do that by identifying your child’s strengths and providing opportunities to try new things. Here are a couple of ways to help your child identify their strengths:

• Notice their talents. Think about everything they’re good at – running fast, drawing beautiful pictures, or being a great listener. When you notice your child doing something well, give specific praise (say, “You run so fast” instead of, “Great job”)
• Keep a record of their accomplishments. At the end of each week, have your child make a list of three things they learned, one thing they’re proud of, one thing they got better at, and one small goal they want to achieve the following week. This will help kids see how much you’re growing and improving!

Another way to boost self-esteem and reduce anxiety is to encourage your child to stretch out of their comfort zone and try new activities. Here are some suggestions:

• Sleepover at a friend, cousin, or neighbor you and your child trust and know well.
• Make new friends during recess, at the park, at parties, etc.
• Set a small goal each week (for example talking to a classmate they don’t usually speak to, or standing up for themselves).

When To Worry: Social Anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

1. Social Anxiety

Many sensitive kids are naturally shy and slow to warm up. But when extreme shyness interferes with daily life, this can be a sign of social anxiety.

Kids with social anxiety worry about what will happen in social situations. They’re often scared of what others will think of them. They might also fear being embarrassed, being separated from their parents or carers, or getting in trouble. The signs of social anxiety can be easy to miss: children who have social anxiety are often quiet and obedient.

2. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (common in ADHD)

Have you ever felt your child drifts away from friendship over minor misunderstandings? Or maybe they often feel hurt by what seems like a minor offense or a joke that landed poorly. Or perhaps they struggle with opening up to others due to fear of rejection.

If you believe that this is your child, you may want to learn more about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). RSD is common in neurodivergent children. Since some highly sensitive kids have ADHD or autism, you may want to know more about RSD. RSD is characterized by:

• emotional intensity, resulting in disproportionate reactions, meltdowns, or large bouts of sadness
• rapid mood swings triggered by perceived criticism or rejection, or when adults try to set boundaries
• physical signs (rapid heartbeat, unexplained stomach aches)
• poor self-esteem because feeling rejected makes people feel inadequate
• over-analyzing social cues and misinterpreting minor gestures as indicators of rejection
• avoiding social interaction due to fear of being judged
• can’t receive negative feedback.

RSD can make it hard for a child to feel good about themselves and make friends. They might avoid social situations altogether because they’re afraid of being hurt.

The good news is that there are things you can do to help kids with anxiety or RSD cope with feelings of rejection. They can learn to identify their intrusive thoughts and other triggers and develop coping skills. And most importantly, they can learn to be kind to themselves. It’s important to remember that their sensitivity is not a weakness. It’s just a different way of experiencing the world.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s actually pretty common for kids to experience a surge in emotional intensity around this age. Around 5.5-7 years old, children begin to lose some of the early childhood magic and can understand more and question more what happens around them. While up to 5-6 years old, they discover the world mainly by exploring, and through their senses, now they also start to focus on feelings, theirs and others. They begin to develop compassion, and at the same time, they are more sensitive to others’ words. They also discover they have power: they can experiment with manipulation, exclusion, and inappropriate or goofy behavior.

All in all, you will feel them separating from yourself as their sense of self develops. This stage of development brings a new round of limit-testing and boundary renegotiation. You’ll need to keep your empathy and compassion as your child tries things out to find their way.

So, how can we help our sensitive six-year-olds navigate these stormy emotional waters? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our Anger Wheel printable for FREE. This printable can give your child eight simple coping tools to cope with anger safely, without hurting themselves or others. You can print it as a poster and hang it in your child’s room or in your classroom if you’re a teacher.

Are tantrums normal in 6-year-olds normal?

Temper tantrums can be developmentally appropriate for 6-year-olds. Your child’s brain is still developing, and we can’t expect them always to be able to remain calm when having strong emotions. That isn’t easy, even for adults!

When assessing whether your 6-year-old’s tantrums are normal, think about:

• How do tantrums manifest? A tantrum at home once a week is different from a tantrum at school, which ends in getting a call from the principal. Also, a tantrum where the child stomps their feet is less problematic than one where the child acts aggressively.
• Does the child self-harm, or is the aggression directed towards others? According to this longitudinal study, tantrums involving self-harm are more likely to predict mental disorders later in life.
• How long does the tantrum last? According to this study on 3-5-year-old children, tantrums lasting more than 25 minutes may indicate a more serious issue.
• Has the frequency and duration of tantrums increased with age?
• Can the child gradually soothe themselves, or do they stop out of exhaustion?
• Does the tantrum have no apparent trigger? Have you excluded sleep, sensory overload, and hunger?

Some kids also experience a sort of throwback to the tantrum stage when they’re older, around 6 or 7 years old. This happens especially if they didn’t get to express their feelings freely when they were younger. It’s like they’re trying to catch up on all the emotions they couldn’t express before. That can happen to highly sensitive children, who may take the role of “good” kids when parents are stressed, when a new sibling arrives, or when they have louder siblings.

Sensitive kids may take the role of “good” kids due to their profound need to feel emotionally connected with others. This need can be so deep that they will ignore their true self to gain some form of love and connection.

However, even sensitive children reach a point where they’ve had enough and eventually burst into tantrums.

6-Year-Old Tantrums: Highly Sensitive Children

Highly sensitive kids may have more outbursts than their peers, especially around people they feel safe with. They have low frustration tolerance and are also extra sensitive to perceived rejection so they may throw more tantrums.

In addition, they tend to be more inflexible or have a strong sense of fairness, which can also trigger explosive behavior (“He cheated, so I bit him to make him stop! He started it. So why do I get punished? It’s not fair!”).

Sensitively wired kids go deep and need time to process what happened and how they feel, so they may take longer to bounce back. Some children have an easier time letting it go and moving on, but it’s not so for deep feelers. Every experience leaves a mark in the form of thoughts, emotions, and memories. As a result, your child may seem to throw tantrums out of nowhere, but their outbursts may be related to negative past experiences that have left behind traces.

Sensitive kids can also be very strong-willed during a tantrum. They may seem non-compliant and assertive and often don’t like being told what to do. Due to their determination, your 6-year-old’s tantrums may last longer than those of other kids who move on more quickly.

In addition, they often see things from a different angle. And if you have a neurotypical way of thinking, it may be hard for you to understand their perspective, so you may react in a way that invalidates their experience.

Highly sensitive children also experience the world in a unique way. When sensitive kids feel overwhelmed by their environment (when the lights, touch, and taste are too much), you might see tantrums, emotional shutting down, or physical discomfort (read more here about somatization).

Here’s an example of how a highly sensitive six-year-old may experience a tantrum:

Lilly, a sensitive six-year-old, was playing cards with her four-year-old brother, Billy, in the living room. Billy, who had recently discovered how to play cards, was getting bored and started to sort the cards by color during the game. Lilly asked him to stop because he was ruining the game, but he didn’t. Lilly got frustrated and threw the cards down on the floor. Billy started to cry and called her stupid. Lilly got even more upset and hit him. Their mother came into the room and saw what was happening. She was visibly upset with Lilly’s behavior.

Here’s what Lilly might be experiencing during this tantrum:

• She was frustrated by her brother’s behavior.
• The little girl felt a deep sense of shame for hurting her brother.
• She felt that her mother was unfair, and she felt rejected as a result.
• Lilly was overwhelmed by her mother’s anger at her.

Here’s how other children in Lilly’s situation might have reacted during his tantrum:

• Fight stress response: hit younger brother
• Flight: be so full of shame and frustration that they run away; being high-energy or anxious afterward due to the pent-up energy.
• Freeze: unable to listen to what mother has to say because they feel overwhelmed with emotion; seeming to have low energy, shut down.
• Fawn: over-apologizing when the parent is upset.

In our example, Lilly’s brother could calm down and continue playing soon after the incident. But Lilly needed extra time and space to decompress and process what happened. She was restless for the rest of the day. Like many others, this outburst made Lilly feel like she was different, and that’s why her parents treated her differently from her brother.

Here’s another example of what this can look like:

Ava is a sensitive and strong-willed 6-year-old. When her mom tells her, “We need to leave for school in five minutes. Why aren’t you ready yet? I gave you two reminders.” Now, mom is rushing Ava through the morning routine, and Ava feels a loss of control and intense discomfort when faced with her mom’s expectations. This feeling is incredibly threatening for her.

Here’s what Ava might be thinking:

• “I don’t like being rushed.”
• “My mom acts like I cannot get ready on my own.”
• “I just wanted to play on my own, my way, without anyone interrupting me.”

Here’s what Ava might do during her tantrum: she might feel so overwhelmed that the logical part of the brain, including the executive functioning, stops working. As a result, she might not be able to find her clothes or zip up her jacket. That might make her spiral into hopelessness and start crying. Or she might begin to kick and scream, “I’m not getting dressed.” However, this behavior is not a sign of defiance; instead, it shows Ava’s need to manage the anxiety that her mom’s demands create.

6-Year-Old Tantrums: 4 Ways To Manage Big Emotions

1. Nurture The Relationship With Your 6-Year-Old

A strong emotional bond with their primary caregiver is paramount for sensitive or strong-willed children. Here are a few simple ways to nurture this connection:

Spend one-on-one time doing something of their choice! Set aside time to do things your child loves, like listening to their favorite music, creating art together, or playing pretend games.

Make repairs. Highly sensitive children may find it hard to move on from arguments. Make sure to talk it out and apologize. This helps them feel like you still love and care about them, even when you’re mad.

2. Let Your Child Figure Things Out For Themselves

Have you ever noticed how your child lights up when they figure out something for themselves? That’s because it’s not just about getting the task done; it’s also about feeling empowered. Knowing how to solve problems themselves helps kids become more confident and resilient.

So, instead of telling your child what to do, step back and see if you can encourage them to come up with the next step themselves. Here are some examples:

• Imagine your child is playing with their toys, and you ask them to put the toys away. Instead of telling them how to do it, ask, “What do you think is the best way to put away your toys?”
• Your child is having trouble getting dressed for school. Instead of telling them which clothes to wear, you could try, “What do you think would look great for school today? The red blouse or the green one?”

3. Validate Your Child’s Big Feelings

It’s common for parents to try to suppress tantrums because they can be distressing. This can inadvertently make children feel misunderstood and invalidated.

For example, if your sensitive child hits their little brother, your first reaction might be to focus on the behavior and put feelings in second place. Instead, acknowledging that the kids’ emotions are real before discussing behavior choices can be very powerful.

For example, if your sensitive child hits their little brother, your first reaction might be to focus on the behavior and put feelings in second place. Instead, acknowledging that the kids’ emotions are real before discussing behavior choices can be very powerful.

• “Your brother messed up your game of cards. I hear you. I hate it, too, when someone doesn’t follow the rules. I wonder what would help?”
• “You really don’t like being rushed. Hectic mornings are the worst. I wonder what we can do to avoid being in a rush. What do you think?”

4. Set Consistent Boundaries

Sensitive and strong-willed children need to feel in control but also a sturdy leader to guide them when their emotions are overwhelming. They need someone who wants to know their feelings and listen without judgment.

For example, your strong-willed six-year-old wants to co-sleep. While you love snuggling with your child, you can’t have any rest when you sleep with them. You can set a boundary that you co-sleep on weekends if your child sleeps in their bed Monday through Friday.

Let’s take another example: Your six-year-old has after-school meltdowns. You know they are overstimulated and need to let their big feelings out, but they don’t like it when they say something hurtful or hit you. Using your warmest voice, you validate their feelings and inform them you are helping them keep their hands to themselves. Alternatively, you take a deep breath (which helps you calm down and also with modeling behavior) and let them know that you are leaving the room for five minutes each time they say hurtful words to you.

6-Year-Old Tantrums: Take-Home Message

Sensitive, strong-willed children are good. They don’t want to drain our energy, and they don’t arrive in this world intending to test our limits. That’s why it’s crucial to remember that they aren’t trying to give us a hard time. They are having a hard time.